Have you Heard our Story?

I recently had the opportunity to chat with the amazing Rebecca Vahle on her Adoption Perspectives Radio Show.  I met Rebecca at a Passion for Orphans retreat in Colorado back in April and I just love what she is doing at Parker Adventist Hospital with their adoption support programs.  She's also a fellow book-lover and we discuss how one of our favorites was very much a part of our adoption story.  You'll have to listen in to see which book God used to challenge us to say, "Yes!"

What a blessing it is to be able to have part of our story in this audio form that we can now share with friends, family, and to preserve these memories for us and our children.  Thanks, Rebecca!


I'd love to hear your thoughts and any questions you might have.

Monday Musings

1. I LOVE autumn!

2. "Chatty's" first ever visit to a pumpkin patch

(he's 9! so we're definitely making up for lost time!)

It was also our first visit as a family of 12. We bought 12 pumpkins, 24 apples, some indian corn and a few gourds and had a great time.

Did I say that I love autumn?

3. We'd like to move. No, not out of our town. . . we LOVE it here. . . but is becoming increasingly apparent that our Suddenly Large Family is going to need more outdoor living space as our children become SUDDENLY teenagers (pretty much all at once). So we need to sell our house in this not so great market. Trusting the Lord for a solution and trying to not run ahead of him!

4. Also, this past weekend was full of some crazy stuff we could use prayer for. Wish I could say more, but we do appreciate your prayers. Mostly that WE would be fully trusting the One who is trustworthy and would have wisdom in interacting with others involved.

5. We have actually been having strings of "good" days mixed in with the hard ones. Those of you who have adopted kids from hard places know what I'm talking about. It is such a blessing. Just a few months ago we were entering a vicious downward spiral. . . THANKYOU T4A for helping us worship our way out of that.

6. I haven't canned anything this year.

Zilch.

Zip.

Nada.

My cupboards are lookin' like Mother Hubbard's.

Bummer, since putting up food is one of the main reasons that

I LOVE autumn!

Maybe next year I'll be ready to tackle the pantry again.

Right now, we're just takin' it a day at a time.

7. Hmm. . . do I sound like I've been in Texas and Oklahoma with all this "lookin'" and "takin'?" Well, ya'll, I've gotta say it might could be because we DID get to go visit some of our amazingly wonderful friends in Oklahoma both before and after we went to T4A.

You KNOW your friends are amazingly wonderful when you can jump right back into conversation (after 3 years apart) and pick up just like you'd never left. We love and miss them all so much!

8. Some of that crazy weekend stuff led to my vegging on the computer for a few hours - hence the blog "makeover." BUT - I totally don't know what I'm doing, so if some helpful soul would like to tell me quickly how to move my blog title down so it is readable, I'm all ears (well, eyes really).

More of What to Expect the First Year

As a follow up to my last post, I am re-posting what my dear friend, Shawna, added in the comments (in case you don't read the comments). She is 100% accurate on this.

What newly adoptive parents need the first year from their friends and church family:

1. The first year for parents who adopt children from "hard places" is totally consuming. Regardless of how old the children are, expect that the parents will be as consumed as parents of a newborn baby...with colic. If they are adopting more than one, it will be like having multiples....with colic...and probably food allergies too...just to give some perspective.

2. A wonderful "gift" for adoptive families is to free them up to parent. Intentionally parenting in a way that leads to healing for their children will be absolutely requires 110%, and no one else can do it. But, someone else can: cook, clean, organize clothing, shop, drive, take the dog to the vet, mow the lawn, etc.

3. Another great "gift" that a church can give is to completly release adoptive parents from any and all obligations they have to serve at church. They may think that they can continue to serve, but they can't. (And for that matter, release mom from any obligation to do anything for at least one year....including answer the phone!)

4. Also, during that first year, don't expect that adoptive parents will be able to get away without the kids much. As with a newborn baby, the children will benefit from mom and dad's constant presence in the short term. However, a trusted person who is willing to provide short-term child care, like while mom and dad grab some dessert after bedtime,or so mom can take a walk during naptime, can be helpful.

5. And finally, remember that for the first year, and beyond, these parents will be working so hard to gain their children's trust and win their hearts. As support people, believe it or not, some of what we intend for good can actually be detrimental to this process. Indulging the children with "stuff" or experiences, for example, can compete with the bonding process.

Food for 12?

What do you feed them all?

This is one of the most common questions I am asked by people wondering about how our life has changed since becoming a "Suddenly Large Family."

I'm thinking I might spend some time this month answering that question on my blog.

We usually eat some sort of fresh fruit with lunch, but I didn't have anything on hand last Wednesday.

I was forced to go to the pantry to see what I might have available.

It was then that I discovered something so funny that I had to take a picture of it.

Apparently, a #10 can of pear halves is just enough to serve 10 children three halves each!

When you don't feel love

Lisa, over at A Bushel and a Peck has a great "Tuesday Topic." She posted a question from a newly adoptive mama about what do do when you (the mama) don't feel attached. This is a really great question and one that sometimes gets overlooked or not talked about for fear of what others might think.

Lisa will be posting all of the comments next Tuesday and I can't wait to read them!

After leaving a comment at her blog, I thought I might repost my thoughts here - since I might need to read them and remind myself of this on my next bad day! LOL!

So, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts on what to do when you, as the adoptive parent, aren't feeling attached:

Hi there! First off, I just want to say that what you are feeling is NOT uncommon. It always makes me frustrated to read blogs or other writings that say "oh, it is exactly the same as having a biological child. . . I love them so much and I don't feel any different." In my honest opinion, this is almost never the case and if the person writing it isn't just flat lying, then they are probably still in the honeymoon phase!

Please don't feel like you are alone in the struggle to feel attached to your adopted child.

Secondly, if you are not "feeling love," it is O.K.! The reason it is O.K. is that true love is not a feeling. . . it is an ACTION. If you are not "feeling" loving toward your child yet, just keep on ACTIVELY loving them - for an infant, that means rocking, singing, feeding, changing, holding, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, feeding, changing, talking, feeding, changing. . . well, you get the picture! LOL! The feelings will follow the actions - eventually! With our first adoption (a sibling group of 3 from Liberia ages 4, 5, and 7), I didn't have the CONSISTENT loving feelings for over a year! I often FELT more protective toward my biological child, especially when our adopted children were the antagonists. However, we kept on actively loving them, and praying - praying a LOT- and hoping that their little hearts would heal. And then, one day, I was talking to my friend about an injustice that one of my adopted children had suffered at the hands of a neighbor (and boy, was I mad!) and my dear friend pointed out to me that I was having that true "mama-bear" protective love toward my child. And, I was! Even though we look as different as night and day, I often do (NOW) almost forget that these children were not from my womb. BUT, it wasn't always the case. It took a long time to get here! We have found a similar thing to be true with our second adoption (a sibling group of 6 out of foster care). Active Agape (unconditional) Love leads to that Phileo (friendship-type feeling) love that we all desire to have with our children. It has been easier this time around, and I think that maybe it is because my heart has already been through this process once before and I can more easily see and hope for the light at the end of the tunnel. I also wanted to say that I also mourned the lack of the breastfeeding relationship with all of my adopted children (especially with the youngest - age 2). One thing we tried was skin to skin rocking time and bottle feeding with sweet milk. We only did it for about 3-4 months, but it REALLY was an awesome time of bonding for both of us. As far as whining goes, try not to give in to it, but do remember to give him a way to ask for what he wants w/o whining - I would suggest some simple "baby sign language" for "more," "please," "drink," and maybe "up." It has only been 3 months, please do not despair! Adoption is hard, it is a sacrifice, but it is SO worth it!

One Year Ago

We had recently celebrated our second "gotcha" day with our three Liberian children.

We had also recently been approved as foster parents. Two sweet toddlers joined our family. It rocked our world in many ways: the first 5 sleepless nights just about did us in! LOL! However, that didn't even compare to the immense grief we felt after the boys left us - a short 6 weeks later. And, while we were sad, there was this incredible underlying sense of Joy:

Joy in knowing we had served as the Lord had led.

Joy in knowing that He was with them.

Joy in knowing that those two precious boys had heard about and experienced the love of Jesus.

Yes, there was True Joy. . .

and yet, there was also immense sorrow. Grieving, and questioning, and praying, and searching, and then -

We knew. We knew what Christ had done for us:

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,

made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-

it is by grace you have been saved.

And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,

in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace,

expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this not from yourselves,

it is the gift of God-

not by works, so that no one can boast.

But. . . it doesn't end there. . . it goes on. . .

For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

And we knew that God had prepared us to be adoptive parents once again. We knew God was going to do something - something big - something more than anything we could ask or imagine. . .

So much more.

And so, one year ago, our four precious children were all tucked into bed, Jeff was reading, and I was checking my email. Still missing our foster babies, I decided to glance over at the state's photo listing of foster children available for adoption.

Not an uncommon occurrence in our household, I often saw a child or children I thought we maybe could adopt. I had even sent inquiry emails that often resulted in a polite "thanks, but no thanks" response.

"Hey babe," I said, "there is a sibling group of 4 available for adoption. Do you think I should send an email?"

"huh,?" (I had disturbed his reading) "um, sure," he said. We knew we would likely not receive a response.

Wait. Did I say "we knew?"

We had no idea where this one little email would lead!

----------------------------------------

-----Original Message-----

Sent: Saturday, May 16, 2009 6:04 PM

Hello Mrs. X Social Worker:
I read about XXX on the XX Photolisting
Public site and would like to know more.
The Child ID number is 4XXXX
My name is: Jen XXX
My address is: XXX
My phone is: XXX
and email is: XXX
SOME INFORMATION ABOUT MY FAMILY.
Children already at home:
4
Boy's ages:
7, 9, 9
Girl's ages:
6

Comments:
We are an approved fost-adopt family and are wanting to adopt a sibling
group at some point in the near future. We adopted our 3 youngest
children (sibling set) from Liberia just over 2 years ago. They are
doing great We have learned a lot about attachment issues and parenting
hurt/neglected children. It has been amazing to watch our children
blossom in our home and we would love to help other children who find
themselves in a similar place (we do not currently have foster children
in our home with us)

Current home study with a licensed agency? Yes.

If yes, the agency is: XXX

Are we certified foster parents?: Yes.

I prefer to be contacted by:
Phone: Yes
Email: Yes
Regular Mail: Yes

Thanks,
Jen

We had no idea, but we DID get a reply:

-------------------

Thank you for your interest in this sibling set of 4. If you could
please have your social worker forward a copy of your adoptive home
study for consideration.

And, so, it began.

you can read more about our story in the archives under foster care, adoption, and daily life

Still Alive

yes, we're still alive (but just barely! LOL!).

We spent the first 3 weeks of April fighting a terrible virus that just kept traveling in circles through the 12 of us. Both Jeff and I were sick almost the whole time and all of the kiddos had it at some point too! ugh! We're glad that is over!

So, after adding in Easter Weekend celebrations, Big Joe's 10th birthday, our Liberian children's 3rd Gotcha Day, the beginning of Little League (which Big Joe and Speedy Mo are trying this year), visits from social workers, gobs of paperwork for our foster agency and the adoption process, gobs MORE paperwork for our charter school (x 8), AND my dear husband preaching for 6 weeks. . .

which doesn't sound like that much, except when we add in the reality that we have had 6 of our 10 children for less than 8 months - so, most days, we're still in basic "make it through the day" mode (while trying to be ultra-intentional to help our hurting children heal and bond).

I'm actually not complaining. It just helps me to write it out so I can "see" the reality. I so often find myself wondering why I just can't "get it together" some days. . . I so often think of our lives as totally normal and get frustrated by the daily struggle for peace and contentment to reign in our home and in our hearts.

But, when I look at the big picture, I see that we're not only still alive, but that in so many ways, we are actually thriving. The change in our newest 6 children has been incredible. They are healthy and happy and growing in godliness. We have all REALLY bonded as a family faster than any of us thought was possible. God has been so good and this journey has been quite amazing. I just have to remember to see the forest through the trees, cause sometimes those daily "trees" just seem really overwhelming but the forest really is lovely!

well, that's why the blog has been silent for over a month! I'm hoping to post a few updates soon and I'm thinking about spending the summer posting lots of pictures!

A Few Good Things

While I continue mulling and pondering all of the "really good stuff" that I hope to someday share here, I thought it might be fun to do this lighter series of posts about a few good things that contribute to the daily sanity around here with our Suddenly Large Family (my new way of describing the uniqueness of our family!).

If there is one home management trick my S.L.F. has taught me, it is this:

Bad: having a LOT of stuff

Good: having a LOT LESS stuff

Better: having a LOT LESS stuff and making sure what you do have is useful

Best: having only that which you need and use

to make your home and family

a place of love, joy, and peace.

A Few Good Toys

that's all you need -

a few (as in, not very many)

good (as in, high quality, long lasting, well loved)

toys (as in, things children can actually PLAY with)

as in,

not

cheap,

plastic,

noisemaking

junk

dedicated to a single use

usually coming from a fast food restaurant

or large chain superstore.

I'm talking about having just

A Few Good Toys (and where to store them)

• Legos (large shallow plastic tub with wheels and a lid)

Seriously, if we could only have one toy, this would be it! Of course, maybe "one" is sort of a misnomer; it's more like 14,678 toys! But, just stick them all in a large, shallow tub and roll it under a bed. Easy access, easy clean up, easy storage. HOURS of fun!

• Building Blocks (Large basket or bin)

If you have Legos, you don't really need more building blocks, but we have found that a good set of wooden building blocks are quite useful for many days of creative play. "Jenga" blocks work great if you can't find or afford to purchase another good set.

• Dollhouse with people and vehicles (Large basket or bin)

and/or a farmhouse with animals and vehicles. Boys and girls will both love these sets with very high play value. We like the wooden sets, but there are some o.k. plastic ones too.

• Play food and dishes (medium basket or bin)

If you have preschoolers, you've got to have this. Again, we prefer wood (like the Melissa and Doug brand). There are some sets that have fruits and veggies that kids can "cut" in half

• A good assortment of dress up clothes (an old hope chest or extra dresser)

Some princess dresses and accessories, of course! Also include historical period pieces if you can and don't forget the boys. My 2 and 3 year old boys love hats and masks. My older boys love Dad's old sports uniforms, funny jackets, hats, and wigs.

• Baby doll and/or stuffed animal (on the child's bed)

I'm pretty sure most families have WAY too many of these things! One baby doll that is well-loved is worth much more than 10 random stuffed animals gathering dust! One or two of these can live on each child's bed, but any more than that is like a zoo.

As far as inside toys go, that's about it. Of course we have art supplies and outside items (maybe I'll post about that tomorrow).

Just take the 3 or 4 baskets and bins and put them on a bookshelf, in a low closet, or along a wall. Even the little ones can clean up and sort toys when it is this basic.

So, what do you do with all of the rest of your toys?

Just throw it all out.

Really,

you'll feel much better and your kids won't even be able to remember it after a few weeks.

In fact, they might not even notice the junk is gone. They will appreciate how much easier it is to keep their rooms clean!