Q and A Adoption: Bringing Home an Older Child

Q:  Those of you who have brought home a child at the age of 12 and up, what would be some of your suggestions for how to foster connection? (A question from Parenting with Connection FB group)

A:  This is going to sound crazy especially to anyone who hasn't tried to create connection with children from hard places and/or older children from hard places, but honestly, my best advice is that you've got to bring them home and circle the wagons for a LONG time which IMHO looks like severely limiting peer relationships and other adult relationships until you are very well connected. 

With our oldest, this meant her being home with us 24/7. No public school, no friends outside of our family (acquaintances at church, yes), no other significant adults, no ipods, phones, computers, social media for a LONG LONG time. 

The hard thing with older kiddos is that you are trying to tie "heart strings" with them at an age where most healthy children are beginning to cut a few heart strings (rightly so - when they have many heart strings attached, it is OK to start to cut a few here and there as they begin their transition to adulthood). BUT, your new child won't have ANY heart strings to cut and they will be looking for anyone anywhere to give them what they think they want rather than to attach to you because they are SCARED that you (who are saying you will always be there and will love them, etc) are going to be just like the other adults in their lives who have let them down and they don't want to risk it again, so they are going to do all they can to ignore you, push you away and find it elsewhere. 

You've got to create a space where you are really the only option. So, circle those wagons. Stay home together (don't worry about academics that first year home!), play with them, do pre-schoolish type things with them and let them just BE a child in your family - don't worry, they'll mature out of it once they have had that need met. 

Also, spend time at night talking with them and cuddling with them as much as you can or at least rubbing their back or sitting near them (even if they resist). Say "Yes" as much as possible. Offer treats like m &m's while you look at them with kind eyes (sugar is a great "yes, you are ok." ). 

Limit media (I'd say to ZERO unless it is a special family event). Limit outside activities especially those that are peer oriented like school, youth group, sleepovers, etc (again, I'd say to ZERO pretty much for the first year or two). BUT in place of all that, put yourself - relationship, caring, loving interactions. Firm boundaries but lots of relational connection. 

AND, don't be easily offended. Oh MY, can pre-teens easily offend their parents and this is magnified in hurt children. Just let it go and don't be offended. It isn't personal. And even if it is, it won't help anything to respond to the offense in a way that communicates frustration. 

So, that's the HARD path that is a LOT harder than just going the way of the culture and hoping for the best. BUT, we've seen it help our older adopted children really become attached and healed and NOW, they are able to cut some heart strings and move out from us and start to transition to adulthood because we've got lots of strings attached and their hearts are settled and they are healthy.

Don't lose heart.  This is hard and takes time.  Your child will not instantly trust you and know that everything will be fine.  YOU understand that you are a "good" parent, but your new child does not.  Even when they can mentally assent to that (maybe a year from now), they still will have an emotional brain response that tells them otherwise.  It will take a lot of time to grow this relationship!

AND, by the way, NO ONE will understand why you are doing this.  All of your friends with healthy young teens will think you are crazy.  So will the grandparents.  People at church will probably be offended that your child isn't in the youth group.  You've just got to not care what they think, try to educate them by gracious explanation, and then do the hard work anyways.  Don't worry.  You'll be so busy trying to connect with your teen, you won't have time to worry about what anyone thinks anyways!  

What about you?  Any thoughts on older child connection?  I'd love to hear your ideas!  

Adoption Lessons: Labor Pains

I *think* we might be there.

On the other side, that is.

The other side of the very very VERY (did I say V-E-R-Y?) HARD HARD HARD part of adopting KFHP (kids from hard places) with attachment issues.

Waiting for your adopted children to come home is often likened to pregnancy.  The waiting, the expectation, the waiting, the preparation, the waiting, the praying, the waiting. . .

And then, all of the sudden, they arrive.  They are home.  And EVERYONE is thrilled, and you are too

only no one told you

and you have no clue (if it is your first adoption)

that bringing them home is like feeling the first contraction:  Exciting.  A new life is joining your family.  BUT,  labor has just begun and it might be, probably will be a LONG and HARD labor. . .

Shaun says it just perfectly.

Sometimes in the "labor," in those first years home, it feels like you are in a deep dark pit and even though you
KNOW there is light at the end of the tunnel,
KNOW there is Hope in Christ,
KNOW He is doing His redeeming work in them and in you. . .
it FEELS like you 
just 
might 
die.  

And, in a very real way, you are - dying, that is - dying to self, choosing sacrifice even though you don't want it. Just like Jesus prayed for his father to take the cup from him but submitted to it anyways for our good and for His glory, we choose to sacrifice by loving our very unlovable (most times) and hurt children who continue to
reject,
push away,
and sabotage. . .

BUT,  We rejoice in our suffering as we share in HIS suffering.

We know that suffering is for a little while but that it eventually leads to Hope!

Oh, it is so hard - ESPECIALLY at about 9-12 months in!  This was one of our darkest times during both of our adoptions of older child sibling groups.  Take heart, dear friend in Christ.  We have watched our GREAT God take 9 kids from hard places with major attachment issues and REDEEM them in every way!  AND, We thank God that this process involved a whole lot of refining fire in our own lives as well!  Refining fire is painful, not pleasant, but it yields fruit that reflects and glorifies our Lord.

Dear One, if you feel like you are 27 hours into a long a painful labor, do not give up now.  He will be faithful.  

Continue fighting the good fight.  Do not lose heart or hope.  God's grace and your perseverance will yield something beautiful and worth it - just as physical labor pains eventually birth a beautiful bundle of sweet baby goodness.  Though you probably can't conceive of it now, you may even someday be wishing to go through these "labor pains" again as you look to bring home another child from a hard place.  We know, because we look forward to God blessing us again with more KFHP's if he chooses even knowing the pain it will initially bring.  

My husband and I would LOVE to encourage you and your spouse via email or phone conversation anytime!  Please let us know if you need help and/or encouragement.  We are praying for you.

Jen

Who? Maybe You!

Have you considered that it may be YOU that God is calling?  If not YOU, then who?  WHO is going to answer the prayers of the hundreds of thousands of children waiting in foster care for someone to adopt them? Who is going to adopt the millions of orphans around the world waiting for a family to say "you belong"?



This actually is a good question to ask yourself!

It wasn't the question we were asking when we adopted our children from Liberia in 2007.  Back then, we viewed adoption as a good thing to do, a way to have more children, and we knew it was commanded in scripture to care for orphans and so it seemed like a good idea.

And it was!  

And we were so blessed!

but then, watching the Lord take our three new precious children from hurting, fearful, unattached, raging, and traumatized orphans to healthy, content, spunky, attached, redeemed children who were a part of our family. . .

well, it changed something in us.

We realized that God, who can raise the dead to life, ALSO can bring life to children who desperately need it.  He can take what is broken and make it new, make it whole and He had given us the PRIVILEGE of being a part of that work in our kiddos' lives!  How incredible was that?

Honestly, when the opportunity arose to adopt a sibling group of (GASP) SIX older children out of the inner city foster system, well, there were none of those similar feelings from our first adoption -

they weren't a picture of a cute sibling group on a website,
we had no sweet ideas of what it would be like,
we weren't looking to necessarily increase our family because we wanted more children. . .

BUT, we did want something else.

We wanted to walk in obedience to Christ and to share in the work that He wanted to do in these children's lives if someone would just give them a chance.

But WHO?  Who would it be?  Would it be us?  
We knew this was the question God was asking us.

It would be HARD - oh, we knew it would be hard!
We had firsthand knowledge and experience at adopting hurt older children with attachment issues - KFHP's (Kids From Hard Places).

We would have been delusional to believe that it would be anything but hard,
and we knew there were risks - BIG risks in adopting 2,3,6,8, 10 and12 year olds from the foster system. . . many of our friends told us so.

But in the end, we knew that we had to listen NOT to those voices (ours and others) that said "this is crazy so you shouldn't. . . "

no.

We had to listen to the ONE voice saying "Yes!  This is crazy!  AND, this is love.  Crazy Love!  And if not you, then who?"

We knew.  There was no one else.  

God had called us. 

He had called us!

US!  

And suddenly, rather than a burden, we saw that this crazy call was a blessing!

How amazing and how humbling that he would once again allow us the opportunity to be involved in His amazing heart work of redemption for these specific children whom he loved!

There are days when we wish it wasn't so hard.
There are days when we are tired beyond what we think we can stand.

But there is not EVER a day when we regret saying "Yes."

"Yes, we will answer God's call to care for the least of these, knowing that He is GOOD and SOVEREIGN and works powerfully to redeem all that has been lost and stolen and makes all things new - even older children from very hard places."

Considering Halloween

The children and I have been asked many times over the past week what we were doing for Halloween and what they were going to "be" for Halloween.  How we have approached Halloween has changed a lot over the years for a number of reasons which I will expand on tomorrow.  

If you are reading this blog and you have recently adopted children (within the past 2 years), 

I will give you this little tip that may save you a little sanity:  whatever you usually do on Halloween, SKIP the sugar-laden, high sensory-overload Halloween-fest or Harvest Party at least for this year.

  It is O.K. 

Your children will not die if they don't get to go trick-or-treating.  Nor will they die if they don't go get their faces painted while inhaling huge amounts of sugar and popcorn just before winning a game of "Jesus Jack-O-Lanterns" and then bringing home a small goldfish which will most certainly die the next day. . . 

If you have NO idea why I am saying to SKIP it this year, you have probably just very recently arrived home and you really should believe me when I say that the last thing your new child needs is this high level of stress mixed in with the very real spiritual battle that is raging for his or her heart and is often intensified on this night.  

More tomorrow on our family's personal Halloween journey, but here's something to think about:

"Instead of hating evil, Americans toy with it. We toy with holidays like Halloween that were conceived in evil and that promote the “cute-ification” of evil, whether that evil takes the form of witchcraft, sorcery, ghoulishness, or some other form of malevolent imagery paraded before our children. We laugh at the very things that the Lord describes as “abominations,” and we find ourselves obsessively fascinated by, and attracted to, all things dark.

Yet we do not fear the Lord. . . "

                                                     - Doug Philipps (read the rest of the article here)

Adoption Lessons: What's Love Got to Do with it?

My new blog friend Jamie has just recently published a new blog series 10 Days of Adoption.  Be sure to check out all of her great posts and her story (while you're at it!).  

I was honored that she asked me for a few of my thoughts on parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and on bonding and loving children with RAD.*  

Parenting children with attachment issues is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it HAS taught me about love.  

Here's my small contribution to Jamie's post on bonding:

Children from hard places who have experienced trauma 

(and I would argue that losing your birth family is always traumatic) 

are going to have “attachment issues.”  

Their trust has been broken 

by the very people who were 

supposed to be the most trustworthy.  

Your words mean nothing to them.  They have no reason to trust what you say and they have every reason to doubt.  They have been hurt, they have had to learn to protect themselves, they lack the ability to empathize, and they are scared to death, they are master manipulators and they want to be in control. 

WARNING:  Their behavior is going to reflect this.  

And it is going to make you feel crazy.  

And parenting them is hard – CRAZY HARD.

Even if you “fell in love” with their referral pictures, chances are that once you enter this crazy hard world of loving a child with attachment issues, you are not going to FEEL like you love them. No, it does not FEEL the same as parenting a healthy attached child. Not the PC thing to say, but true. It’s hard to feel love for a child who tries to sabotage you at every turn.

But, you see, you DO love them: 

You love them by doing the loving thing over and over and over. 

You love them by parenting them in the way they need to be parented – with high nurture and high structure (despite how you parented your other kids or how your church friends parent). 

You love them by holding them when they are raging and telling them that you aren’t going anywhere. 

You love them by praying for them and fighting the spiritual battle on their behalf. 

You love them by not being easily offended. 

You love them by not being easily manipulated. 

You love them by not giving up, by not confirming their suspicions that you are just like all of the others who abandoned them and broke their trust. 

You love them by laying down your life, picking up your cross, and dying to yourself 

over 

and over 

and over.

Yes, you love them. . . and by the grace of God, someday, yes someday, you will wake up and realize that they believe you and they trust you and both of you FEEL, truly feel that phileo (friendship) love that you have both been longing for.

Dear "trauma mama" if you are in the trenches today, lovingly parenting through the crazy-hard, please do not lose heart!  Do not give up or be easily discouraged.  Fight the battle by dying.  Just for today, lay down your life and choose love.  

If you have time today, please skip on over to Sara's as she poetically describes just what I am talking about!  

*If you don't know much about RAD, please check out this great description by Lisa.  All of my 9 adopted children showed almost all of the symptoms that are listed when they first came home to us.  

On the Dark Days of Motherhood

There are times when the path is smooth,

the sun is shining, the birds are singing,

and a gentle breeze rustles the trees softly.

Ah, the bliss of motherhood.

Then

there are the dark days

of stormy clouds

pouring heavy rains,

the path is rocky,

we slip and fall,

we are tempted to stop

and turn our face down,

avoiding the sting

of the cold and biting wind.

But,

even if you can't see it,

the sun is still there.

His Light still shines.

It may be behind the clouds right now,

but it will

come out again.

Do not despair,

hold on to Hope.

Look up.

Encouraging Links for mamas on the dark days:

Our Commission (from Kim at His Hands, His Feet Today)

(especially good for moms of KFHP-kids from hard places)

A Mother's Mission (from desiringgod.com)

(a great reminder to all moms of our great and wonderful calling)

Oldie but Goodie

repost from the archives. . .

Adoption Lessons: Grace Isn't Just for Me!

. . . although, most days, I certainly act like it is.

While I would like to think that I'm truly thankful and grateful for God's Grace,

the truth is that

most days I'm more like the wicked servant

from the story in Matthew 18:23-33.

You know, the servant who deserved to be thrown into prison for a debt he could never repay but then begged forgiveness from the King? The King forgave him but then the servant went right out and demanded to be repaid a very small debt that he was owed by someone else - unwilling to cancel the debt, as had been done for him.

I often think of this story in terms of forgiveness -

as in, am I willing to forgive someone

for a specific offense they have committed against me -

and the answer is usually (and eventually) "yes."

(oh, don't I feel nice and righteous now?)

But,

what if the real story here is the story of GRACE

the free and unmerited love of God offered to me-

a sinner: selfish, prideful, a liar, easily angered, fearful, untrusting, rude,

did I say selfish?

Well, now we have something quite different because, you see,

I am more than happy to accept the Grace God offers me

but somehow I find myself

constantly wanting to CHOOSE

whom I deem worthy

of receiving that free and unmerited love from me!

Oh, I am wretched.

And here's where we come to the "Adoption Lesson."

It happens all the time.

It happened with us when we first started seeking out information about children to adopt.

We wanted what they all want - AYAAHAP.

It is so common, they even made up that acronym!

As Young And As Healthy As Possible.

It's understandable.

We didn't want to mess up our lives too much.

We didn't want to mess up our son's life too much.

We wanted to adopt a child,

we wanted to love a child,

we wanted to give God's love to a child;

we just wanted to make sure it was

an easy child for us to love - AYAAHAP!

But, see, that's the problem.

That kind of love isn't really God's love.

If you think that sounds harsh, I'm with you. . .

but it's still the truth.

Think about it.

Aren't you glad that God doesn't choose to adopt us into His family

based on ANAASAP -

As Nice And As Sinless As Possible?

His Grace is available to ME!

He didn't choose me based on

how easy I was going to be to love,

how thankful and loyal I would be to Him,

how quickly I would return His love,

how many times I would sing His praises,

how easily I would obey Him,

how little trauma I had in my background,

how little I would argue with Him,

or how many times I would go my own way.

Should, then, I ought not to be willing to extend

this unmerited love

freely

to orphans who might be really hard to love?

But, oh how the flesh fights to take the easy road.

I can't tell you how difficult it was

both times we adopted

to CHOOSE what (then) seemed like the VERY hard road.

We himmed

and hawed

and prayed

and talked

and tried to think

of any and every excuse "why not?"

We had more than a few others (even those claiming to be believers)

tell us why we should NOT choose:

older children

black children

many children

foster children

that many children (LOL!)

and,

quite honestly,

we wrestled with God

and

even cried as we made the choice

to die to ourselves and take up the cross He had called us to.

It was hard.

We had to choose to listen to the only voice that mattered.

Not ours.

Not other peoples'.

Just His.

The One who sacrificed so much so that we might live in His family,

was now asking us to sacrifice so that they might live in our family.

He was asking us to have Grace for the Orphan.

After all, His Grace isn't just for me.

Will you choose Grace?

Adoption Lessons: Of Hope and Healing

I originally posted much of this as an answer to a request for some "good news" stories over on the Tuesday Topic at A Bushel and A Peck.

----------------------------------------

It is such a long story and we have seen God move in incredible ways.

He has brought true healing and redemption to all of our nine children from hard places with attachment issues and trauma.

It wasn't an easy journey and some days, it is still hard, but (for the most part) we REJOICE in the changes that He has brought to their hearts, bodies, minds. . . to ALL of them.

Our first adoption was a sibling group of 3 from Liberia who were 4, 5, and 7 when we brought them home 4 years ago.

They were VERY attachment-challenged/RAD - as in, screaming raging fits, pouting, non-verbal, sensory issues, serious spiritual battles, etc. . . almost daily for the better part of a year or so!

Today, they are SUPER healthy, happy, wonderful children whom I forget have not been with me since birth!

They do not rage anymore, don't ignore or manipulate or triangulate (mostly).

We have the (very rare) occasion when they might sort of slip back into a "oh poor me" type attitude but we see it right away and they "regulate" (RAD lingo) SO fast - minutes instead of hours!

They initiate loving contact appropriately and receive it appropriately.

They are attached to us and don't go giving random affection to strangers anymore!

All of them have come to know and love Christ and they have a heart for others as well.

Really, I forget what a struggle it was unless I am asked about it! Then, I, quite honestly, have to fall on my knees thanking God for all he has done. It really has been incredible!

Our second adoption was a sibling group of 6 who came to us from the foster system just a year and a half ago when they were ages 2,4,6, 8, 10, and 12. LOTS of attachment and trust issues. LOTS.

They had been in and out of care for years and had most adults in their lives leave and lie to them. ugh.

The older ones were sad, cold, distant, depressed, angry, fearful, mean, hateful, sassy, rude, and terribly self-centered and hateful.

The younger ones were completely unattached - almost like wild animals -

hard, unfocused, no eye contact, mostly non-verbal, fit throwing, "behind,"

and even had strange self soothing techniques like clicking and head-banging.

Yes, it was seriously crazy around here - again, for the better part of a year (or more?!) -

BUT, again, God is in the business of making all things new!

Just last week the now 9 year old came and wanted to "repent and walk with Jesus and obey Him." After he prayed and we talked, he said, "Mom, I feel like the old has gone and the new has come. . . you know that verse? And my life is like Romans 8:28. . . we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes."

Oh, the amazing redemption stories He has allowed us to be a part of!

Today (less than 2 years later), the oldest two girls are some of the most amazing young "teens" that I know.

They are compassionate, loving, and gracious (mostly).

When they do get sassy and rude (as most young girls sometimes do) they are quick to repent and make it right.

They trust us and when they get scared or fearful they come right to us so we can talk about it.

We have honest, open discussions about joys, fears, and the pain of loss that is still there, but they are truly healed little girls.

They have goals, dreams, and true JOY in the Lord.

They are helpful to us and to others.

They are playful and love to laugh.

The two youngest are no longer "behind" - in fact, all of their "diagnosis" they came with can just be ripped up and thrown away!

They are totally communicative, funny, happy, growing pre-schoolers.

They push the limits like any preschooler, but not in the crazy RAD way.

They get their love from mom and dad and not from strangers.

They are happy to see us.

They want to rock, make eye contact, and do the other very healthy things that a non-attachment challenged child would do!

They are truly JOYful blessings in our family!

The two "middle" children are still on their path to true healing, but we have seen some amazing progress even in the past month.

Our little wild child - our 7 y.o. girl - now actually "melts" when I hold her instead of feeling like a stiff board.

She climbs up for hugs, looks in my eyes, wants to talk and interact.

Her irritating, annoying, "look at me" behavior has decreased dramatically, and I think she is well on her way to total healing!

Our boy, now 9, has maybe had the hardest time because he probably has had the hardest past.

BUT, he doesn't head bang anymore (incredible!).

He is beginning to "melt" when hugged, talk and not talk at appropriate times, and is starting to have a sense of wanting to please us (rather than not caring at all).

He is the one who recently committed to following Christ and we see a change in him already.

I realized that one of the reasons I have never really told all of this part of our story is that I sometimes feel like telling it will discourage others who haven't seen this type of healing yet.

Please don't let this discourage you, but rather may it ENCOURAGE you to persevere.

I know how hard it is to be in that very dark place where you are about to lose Hope and you wonder if it will ever be any better. I do know. It is SO hard. I get it.

I don't know why our children are doing so well when others aren't yet. The only thing we can boast in is in Christ and in his redemptive work in our children's lives.

True wisdom does not come from adoption experts. It comes from Him and His Word.

We thank and praise Him for it and pray that He might continue His work in all of us.

And so, rather than offer more advice on how this happens, I will simply offer this:

We BELIEVE

(not just in our heads, but in our actions)

that He CAN heal,

that He has called us to this

and will give us the strength to carry on,

that He is refining us in this process

and that it is a GOOD thing (although hard),

that there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS Hope.

We HAVE GOT TO believe these things.

We just have to!

If God is not Sovereign and Good,

then why do we serve him or even believe in him?

If he is Sovereign and Good,

then the above list is true

and we simply MUST believe it

and live, everyday, like we do!

Adoption Lessons: Connection Matters More than Correction

Oh, this lesson is SO hard to learn!

How often I find myself correcting, correcting, correcting over and over and well. . .

of course, when the 9 piranas are zooming in

and out taking chunks out of you all day,

I guess the natural response is to swat them and tell them to stop.

Either that or just run screaming.

Yeah.

I suppose neither option is very good.

So what then are we to do with these attachment challenged children

from hard places

that the Lord has given us to parent, to love, to bring up, to teach, to train?

We certainly can't keep correcting them all day, every day because

(as any mother of an attachment challenged child can tell you)

It mostly doesn't work

and

YOU WILL GO INSANE!

really, you will

Correction certainly has its place in parenting

just as the Lord corrects us as His children.

But, HIS desire for us isn't that we would just "act rightly."

Nope.

In fact, He knows this is impossible for us anyways.

We can't do it.

We are wicked, sinful, messed-up people

whose hearts are deceitful and who can NEVER just "be good"

- no matter how many times we try

and no matter how many times He corrects us.

Praise be to God

what He really longs for and pursues with us

is CONNECTION.

He wants a relationship with us!

He wants my heart to KNOW Him,

to long to be with Him,

to understand His ways,

and He is THERE for me to connect with

- always there,

always waiting,

always pursuing,

even when I've blown it.

Why, oh why, do I think my children need anything less than this from me?

Living this with my adopted children reminds me that I CHOOSE to walk in obedience

BECAUSE of His great love toward me

that I now believe, trust, know, understand

and now reciprocate out of my great love for Him.

Jesus said: If you love me, you will obey me.

My obedience flows from my connection with Him.

Our children's obedience will flow out of their connection with us (and Him).

Thank you, Michael and Amy Monroe for reminding me of this once again.

Do you think you can remind me again tomorrow?

Feeling Condemned and Overwhelmed

Courtney from Storing up Treasures recently blogged about her Midlife crisis?. I CAN SO RELATE!

Interestingly enough, Courtney is 32 (I am 33) and has 10 kids (so do I) and many of them are from hard places (mine too).

I was moved to tears as I read her thoughts because I KNOW where she is.

I have been there.

I was there last September just before my husband and I went to the Together for Adoption Conference (T4A).

I responded in her comment section, but I thought I might post my response here as well just in case any other adoptive mama's are down in that very hard, very dark place and need some encouragement.

Read Courtney's post here

My response: Courtney,

It sounds like you are in what I have heard described as the "dark night of soul." I was SO there last August/September!

You are receiving a lot of advice here and I'd love to offer a few thoughts of my own, but before I do, may I just urge you to use caution as you read all of them. . . many of the ideas are not rooted in Truth but are rooted in secular humanistic thinking - they are lies, but they are the kind of lies that sound VERY much like the truth and are SO easy to believe. Be careful, my dear sister in Christ, to run everything through the lens of Truth, to see if the "ideas" are true according to God's Word, and aren't just worldly wisdom.

When I was where it sounds like you are, I realized a couple of things that (by God's Grace) I believe really helped me to renew my thinking which then eventually led to a refreshment of my spirit.

1. I had lost Hope. I had actually started to believe that there was no light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I was beginning to think that these kids from hard places would never heal, that life was just caving in on us, that I'd never be able to parent w/o frustration, etc. . . I totally lost sight of the fact that we ALWAYS have Hope in Christ. That He was working out his perfect plan in our lives. That His grace was sufficient for me, and that there WAS light, I just needed to look up. Have you lost hope? That is believing a lie. There is Hope.

2. I was feeling CONDEMNED - I was a bad EVERYTHING! Just like you described. . . , it was this overwhelming feeling of everything being wrong, bad, terrible. A good friend pointed out to me that I was FEELING condemned but the Truth is that there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I was feeling accused. Do you know who the accuser is? That's right - Satan! He stands and accuses us, but Christ says on our behalf, "I have paid for all of that. It doesn't matter. It is gone." Accusation and condemnation are so guilt producing and awful because we KNOW that there is no way we can ever be good enough, be enough. God does not want us to stand feeling condemned and accused. He has declared us righteous not because of US, but because of Him! HOWEVER, conviction is much different. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit and is SPECIFIC (not vague and overwhelming like condemnation/accusation). So, it is totally possible that there is something that the HS is convicting you about, but with conviction, you can see the specific sin, repent, know forgiveness, and move on in freedom (w/o guilt) because you have dealt with it. See the difference. Don't believe Satan's lies here either. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Now, pragmatically speaking, I was EXHAUSTED emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Being a 32 y.0. mother of 10 (many from hard places) will do that to you. (BTW, did you know that we share all of that in common? LOL!)

What REALLY helped to refresh me in body, mind, and spirit was to plan a week long getaway (to T4A and then some other fun stuff) with my husband. WE TOTALLY needed it. It took some work on the front end, but it was seriously the best thing we could have done at that point. T4A was great in many ways - some of which I'm sure you will get in Orlando in a few weeks - but it was also great b/c of the incredible worship times with Aaron Ivy which refreshed our spirits greatly. The time away in a nice hotel and then some time spent with good friends and just time to be quiet (we both know how little of that we get daily) and think was invaluable. I KNOW that the tendency to say "we just can't do it right now" will be great (that's what I thought!), but I think that if you are where you sound like you are (and I was totally there), you HAVE GOT to do this for both yourself and the Rockstar.

AND, you HAVE GOT to keep in touch almost daily with that one good friend who will hear your heart - who you can say "IT SUCKS" and she will say, "Yes, it is hard! AND, it is totally good. Keep it up. Keep it up. I am here to help however I can." Do you have that friend? I am praying that God will bring her to you if you don't.

I would LOVE to talk with you over the phone and to just pray with you. My husband and I will help you get away if there is any way we can help. We know where you are. (msg. me via facebook?)

IT IS hard!

It is GOOD.

There is Hope!

Praying for His peace, and renewed joy as you go through this "dark night of soul" and KNOWING that JOY comes with the morning, Jen

Monday Musings

1. If you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos.

2. Yesterday one of my children had a terrible day. It was his birthday. ugh.

3. If you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos.

4. Christine says "whatever you feel like doing, do the exact opposite. Do you feel like screaming? Lower your voice to a whisper."

5. See, I told you that if you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos! (last time, I promise)

6. One of my new favorite blogs is "Life at the Willards." We met and had lunch with the Willards at the Together for Adoption conference that we went to last month. We can't wait to see what amazing plans God has for them. We want to help them raise adoption funds and if you want to help too, please check out their blog for ways you can purchase really awesome stuff that raises money for their adoption and for orphans and widows in Uganda!

7. The Willards had a great quote on the sidebar of their blog:

It can be so exhausting to parent children from "hard places"... So exhausting, but it isn't just about giving them a warm bed and full tummies. We wouldn't make it if that's all it was for... But, Let us be willing to be exhausted for the sake of their souls. That will glorify God.... Let us be willing.

Wow! I totally agree. I needed that encouragement today.

Amen sister! Who said that?

Oh.

It was me!* LOL!

*granted, the ideas were also expressed in two other blogs which are referenced in the original post

When you don't feel love

Lisa, over at A Bushel and a Peck has a great "Tuesday Topic." She posted a question from a newly adoptive mama about what do do when you (the mama) don't feel attached. This is a really great question and one that sometimes gets overlooked or not talked about for fear of what others might think.

Lisa will be posting all of the comments next Tuesday and I can't wait to read them!

After leaving a comment at her blog, I thought I might repost my thoughts here - since I might need to read them and remind myself of this on my next bad day! LOL!

So, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts on what to do when you, as the adoptive parent, aren't feeling attached:

Hi there! First off, I just want to say that what you are feeling is NOT uncommon. It always makes me frustrated to read blogs or other writings that say "oh, it is exactly the same as having a biological child. . . I love them so much and I don't feel any different." In my honest opinion, this is almost never the case and if the person writing it isn't just flat lying, then they are probably still in the honeymoon phase!

Please don't feel like you are alone in the struggle to feel attached to your adopted child.

Secondly, if you are not "feeling love," it is O.K.! The reason it is O.K. is that true love is not a feeling. . . it is an ACTION. If you are not "feeling" loving toward your child yet, just keep on ACTIVELY loving them - for an infant, that means rocking, singing, feeding, changing, holding, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, feeding, changing, talking, feeding, changing. . . well, you get the picture! LOL! The feelings will follow the actions - eventually! With our first adoption (a sibling group of 3 from Liberia ages 4, 5, and 7), I didn't have the CONSISTENT loving feelings for over a year! I often FELT more protective toward my biological child, especially when our adopted children were the antagonists. However, we kept on actively loving them, and praying - praying a LOT- and hoping that their little hearts would heal. And then, one day, I was talking to my friend about an injustice that one of my adopted children had suffered at the hands of a neighbor (and boy, was I mad!) and my dear friend pointed out to me that I was having that true "mama-bear" protective love toward my child. And, I was! Even though we look as different as night and day, I often do (NOW) almost forget that these children were not from my womb. BUT, it wasn't always the case. It took a long time to get here! We have found a similar thing to be true with our second adoption (a sibling group of 6 out of foster care). Active Agape (unconditional) Love leads to that Phileo (friendship-type feeling) love that we all desire to have with our children. It has been easier this time around, and I think that maybe it is because my heart has already been through this process once before and I can more easily see and hope for the light at the end of the tunnel. I also wanted to say that I also mourned the lack of the breastfeeding relationship with all of my adopted children (especially with the youngest - age 2). One thing we tried was skin to skin rocking time and bottle feeding with sweet milk. We only did it for about 3-4 months, but it REALLY was an awesome time of bonding for both of us. As far as whining goes, try not to give in to it, but do remember to give him a way to ask for what he wants w/o whining - I would suggest some simple "baby sign language" for "more," "please," "drink," and maybe "up." It has only been 3 months, please do not despair! Adoption is hard, it is a sacrifice, but it is SO worth it!