Q and A Adoption: Bringing Home an Older Child

Q:  Those of you who have brought home a child at the age of 12 and up, what would be some of your suggestions for how to foster connection? (A question from Parenting with Connection FB group)

A:  This is going to sound crazy especially to anyone who hasn't tried to create connection with children from hard places and/or older children from hard places, but honestly, my best advice is that you've got to bring them home and circle the wagons for a LONG time which IMHO looks like severely limiting peer relationships and other adult relationships until you are very well connected. 

With our oldest, this meant her being home with us 24/7. No public school, no friends outside of our family (acquaintances at church, yes), no other significant adults, no ipods, phones, computers, social media for a LONG LONG time. 

The hard thing with older kiddos is that you are trying to tie "heart strings" with them at an age where most healthy children are beginning to cut a few heart strings (rightly so - when they have many heart strings attached, it is OK to start to cut a few here and there as they begin their transition to adulthood). BUT, your new child won't have ANY heart strings to cut and they will be looking for anyone anywhere to give them what they think they want rather than to attach to you because they are SCARED that you (who are saying you will always be there and will love them, etc) are going to be just like the other adults in their lives who have let them down and they don't want to risk it again, so they are going to do all they can to ignore you, push you away and find it elsewhere. 

You've got to create a space where you are really the only option. So, circle those wagons. Stay home together (don't worry about academics that first year home!), play with them, do pre-schoolish type things with them and let them just BE a child in your family - don't worry, they'll mature out of it once they have had that need met. 

Also, spend time at night talking with them and cuddling with them as much as you can or at least rubbing their back or sitting near them (even if they resist). Say "Yes" as much as possible. Offer treats like m &m's while you look at them with kind eyes (sugar is a great "yes, you are ok." ). 

Limit media (I'd say to ZERO unless it is a special family event). Limit outside activities especially those that are peer oriented like school, youth group, sleepovers, etc (again, I'd say to ZERO pretty much for the first year or two). BUT in place of all that, put yourself - relationship, caring, loving interactions. Firm boundaries but lots of relational connection. 

AND, don't be easily offended. Oh MY, can pre-teens easily offend their parents and this is magnified in hurt children. Just let it go and don't be offended. It isn't personal. And even if it is, it won't help anything to respond to the offense in a way that communicates frustration. 

So, that's the HARD path that is a LOT harder than just going the way of the culture and hoping for the best. BUT, we've seen it help our older adopted children really become attached and healed and NOW, they are able to cut some heart strings and move out from us and start to transition to adulthood because we've got lots of strings attached and their hearts are settled and they are healthy.

Don't lose heart.  This is hard and takes time.  Your child will not instantly trust you and know that everything will be fine.  YOU understand that you are a "good" parent, but your new child does not.  Even when they can mentally assent to that (maybe a year from now), they still will have an emotional brain response that tells them otherwise.  It will take a lot of time to grow this relationship!

AND, by the way, NO ONE will understand why you are doing this.  All of your friends with healthy young teens will think you are crazy.  So will the grandparents.  People at church will probably be offended that your child isn't in the youth group.  You've just got to not care what they think, try to educate them by gracious explanation, and then do the hard work anyways.  Don't worry.  You'll be so busy trying to connect with your teen, you won't have time to worry about what anyone thinks anyways!  

What about you?  Any thoughts on older child connection?  I'd love to hear your ideas!  

Adoption Lessons: Not Giving Up

Sorry it has been so quiet here.  It has been a season of testing and trial for us, to be sure.  I know there are many other adoptive parents who are either for the first time or the hundredth time feeling like they just can't go on.  Please don't believe it.  Don't believe the lies of the enemy.  We are crushed, perplexed, knocked down, and it is HARD, but this momentary suffering is light in comparison of the eternal glory of knowing Christ.   Join with us in leaning on and living by the words of 2 Corinthians 4 in this very difficult season:

1 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, [fn1] we never give up.2 We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.

3 If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. 4 Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts

so we could know the glory of God 

that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. [fn2] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. 

We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 

9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. 

We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 

10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus 

so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” [fn3] 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, [fn4] will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. 

And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, 

and God will receive more and more glory.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are [fn5]being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Years ago when this "grace and glory" blog started, I had no idea just how much those two words would come to mean in our lives.  It truly is all about Him!

Adoption Lessons: Labor Pains

I *think* we might be there.

On the other side, that is.

The other side of the very very VERY (did I say V-E-R-Y?) HARD HARD HARD part of adopting KFHP (kids from hard places) with attachment issues.

Waiting for your adopted children to come home is often likened to pregnancy.  The waiting, the expectation, the waiting, the preparation, the waiting, the praying, the waiting. . .

And then, all of the sudden, they arrive.  They are home.  And EVERYONE is thrilled, and you are too

only no one told you

and you have no clue (if it is your first adoption)

that bringing them home is like feeling the first contraction:  Exciting.  A new life is joining your family.  BUT,  labor has just begun and it might be, probably will be a LONG and HARD labor. . .

Shaun says it just perfectly.

Sometimes in the "labor," in those first years home, it feels like you are in a deep dark pit and even though you
KNOW there is light at the end of the tunnel,
KNOW there is Hope in Christ,
KNOW He is doing His redeeming work in them and in you. . .
it FEELS like you 
just 
might 
die.  

And, in a very real way, you are - dying, that is - dying to self, choosing sacrifice even though you don't want it. Just like Jesus prayed for his father to take the cup from him but submitted to it anyways for our good and for His glory, we choose to sacrifice by loving our very unlovable (most times) and hurt children who continue to
reject,
push away,
and sabotage. . .

BUT,  We rejoice in our suffering as we share in HIS suffering.

We know that suffering is for a little while but that it eventually leads to Hope!

Oh, it is so hard - ESPECIALLY at about 9-12 months in!  This was one of our darkest times during both of our adoptions of older child sibling groups.  Take heart, dear friend in Christ.  We have watched our GREAT God take 9 kids from hard places with major attachment issues and REDEEM them in every way!  AND, We thank God that this process involved a whole lot of refining fire in our own lives as well!  Refining fire is painful, not pleasant, but it yields fruit that reflects and glorifies our Lord.

Dear One, if you feel like you are 27 hours into a long a painful labor, do not give up now.  He will be faithful.  

Continue fighting the good fight.  Do not lose heart or hope.  God's grace and your perseverance will yield something beautiful and worth it - just as physical labor pains eventually birth a beautiful bundle of sweet baby goodness.  Though you probably can't conceive of it now, you may even someday be wishing to go through these "labor pains" again as you look to bring home another child from a hard place.  We know, because we look forward to God blessing us again with more KFHP's if he chooses even knowing the pain it will initially bring.  

My husband and I would LOVE to encourage you and your spouse via email or phone conversation anytime!  Please let us know if you need help and/or encouragement.  We are praying for you.

Jen

On Why Redemption is at the Heart of Adoption

"Anyone who has failed can appreciate the opportunity of a second chance. A second chance in the Bible is called redemption, which means you have been released or set free by payment. All your failures and shame can be redeemed if you give God the opportunity to give you a second chance. We feel as though our sin has enslaved us and ruined any potential of a fruitful future. Redemption sets you free of these feelings and actions, by His grace and forgiveness. Redemption then allows you to redeem others as you have been redeemed. You can be God's instrument of redemption in others, rescuing them from the awful penalty and power of sin. Enjoy His redemption today and share it with others, the gift of the second chance."  2 Cor. 5:17-21

-Brent Wagner (wise words from my long ago youth camp pastor)

Also, one of my favorite archived posts is being featured today over at WAGI (We are Grafted In).  I hope you'll head over and check out this wonderful adoption community.  

Considering Halloween

The children and I have been asked many times over the past week what we were doing for Halloween and what they were going to "be" for Halloween.  How we have approached Halloween has changed a lot over the years for a number of reasons which I will expand on tomorrow.  

If you are reading this blog and you have recently adopted children (within the past 2 years), 

I will give you this little tip that may save you a little sanity:  whatever you usually do on Halloween, SKIP the sugar-laden, high sensory-overload Halloween-fest or Harvest Party at least for this year.

  It is O.K. 

Your children will not die if they don't get to go trick-or-treating.  Nor will they die if they don't go get their faces painted while inhaling huge amounts of sugar and popcorn just before winning a game of "Jesus Jack-O-Lanterns" and then bringing home a small goldfish which will most certainly die the next day. . . 

If you have NO idea why I am saying to SKIP it this year, you have probably just very recently arrived home and you really should believe me when I say that the last thing your new child needs is this high level of stress mixed in with the very real spiritual battle that is raging for his or her heart and is often intensified on this night.  

More tomorrow on our family's personal Halloween journey, but here's something to think about:

"Instead of hating evil, Americans toy with it. We toy with holidays like Halloween that were conceived in evil and that promote the “cute-ification” of evil, whether that evil takes the form of witchcraft, sorcery, ghoulishness, or some other form of malevolent imagery paraded before our children. We laugh at the very things that the Lord describes as “abominations,” and we find ourselves obsessively fascinated by, and attracted to, all things dark.

Yet we do not fear the Lord. . . "

                                                     - Doug Philipps (read the rest of the article here)

Adoption Lessons: To Sum it Up:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”                    

---C.S. Lewis

"If you want to be great in God's kingdom, 

learn to be the servant of all."  

--Jesus

Adoption Lessons: What's Love Got to Do with it?

My new blog friend Jamie has just recently published a new blog series 10 Days of Adoption.  Be sure to check out all of her great posts and her story (while you're at it!).  

I was honored that she asked me for a few of my thoughts on parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and on bonding and loving children with RAD.*  

Parenting children with attachment issues is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it HAS taught me about love.  

Here's my small contribution to Jamie's post on bonding:

Children from hard places who have experienced trauma 

(and I would argue that losing your birth family is always traumatic) 

are going to have “attachment issues.”  

Their trust has been broken 

by the very people who were 

supposed to be the most trustworthy.  

Your words mean nothing to them.  They have no reason to trust what you say and they have every reason to doubt.  They have been hurt, they have had to learn to protect themselves, they lack the ability to empathize, and they are scared to death, they are master manipulators and they want to be in control. 

WARNING:  Their behavior is going to reflect this.  

And it is going to make you feel crazy.  

And parenting them is hard – CRAZY HARD.

Even if you “fell in love” with their referral pictures, chances are that once you enter this crazy hard world of loving a child with attachment issues, you are not going to FEEL like you love them. No, it does not FEEL the same as parenting a healthy attached child. Not the PC thing to say, but true. It’s hard to feel love for a child who tries to sabotage you at every turn.

But, you see, you DO love them: 

You love them by doing the loving thing over and over and over. 

You love them by parenting them in the way they need to be parented – with high nurture and high structure (despite how you parented your other kids or how your church friends parent). 

You love them by holding them when they are raging and telling them that you aren’t going anywhere. 

You love them by praying for them and fighting the spiritual battle on their behalf. 

You love them by not being easily offended. 

You love them by not being easily manipulated. 

You love them by not giving up, by not confirming their suspicions that you are just like all of the others who abandoned them and broke their trust. 

You love them by laying down your life, picking up your cross, and dying to yourself 

over 

and over 

and over.

Yes, you love them. . . and by the grace of God, someday, yes someday, you will wake up and realize that they believe you and they trust you and both of you FEEL, truly feel that phileo (friendship) love that you have both been longing for.

Dear "trauma mama" if you are in the trenches today, lovingly parenting through the crazy-hard, please do not lose heart!  Do not give up or be easily discouraged.  Fight the battle by dying.  Just for today, lay down your life and choose love.  

If you have time today, please skip on over to Sara's as she poetically describes just what I am talking about!  

*If you don't know much about RAD, please check out this great description by Lisa.  All of my 9 adopted children showed almost all of the symptoms that are listed when they first came home to us.  

On the Dark Days of Motherhood

There are times when the path is smooth,

the sun is shining, the birds are singing,

and a gentle breeze rustles the trees softly.

Ah, the bliss of motherhood.

Then

there are the dark days

of stormy clouds

pouring heavy rains,

the path is rocky,

we slip and fall,

we are tempted to stop

and turn our face down,

avoiding the sting

of the cold and biting wind.

But,

even if you can't see it,

the sun is still there.

His Light still shines.

It may be behind the clouds right now,

but it will

come out again.

Do not despair,

hold on to Hope.

Look up.

Encouraging Links for mamas on the dark days:

Our Commission (from Kim at His Hands, His Feet Today)

(especially good for moms of KFHP-kids from hard places)

A Mother's Mission (from desiringgod.com)

(a great reminder to all moms of our great and wonderful calling)

Adoption Lessons: Of Hope and Healing

I originally posted much of this as an answer to a request for some "good news" stories over on the Tuesday Topic at A Bushel and A Peck.

----------------------------------------

It is such a long story and we have seen God move in incredible ways.

He has brought true healing and redemption to all of our nine children from hard places with attachment issues and trauma.

It wasn't an easy journey and some days, it is still hard, but (for the most part) we REJOICE in the changes that He has brought to their hearts, bodies, minds. . . to ALL of them.

Our first adoption was a sibling group of 3 from Liberia who were 4, 5, and 7 when we brought them home 4 years ago.

They were VERY attachment-challenged/RAD - as in, screaming raging fits, pouting, non-verbal, sensory issues, serious spiritual battles, etc. . . almost daily for the better part of a year or so!

Today, they are SUPER healthy, happy, wonderful children whom I forget have not been with me since birth!

They do not rage anymore, don't ignore or manipulate or triangulate (mostly).

We have the (very rare) occasion when they might sort of slip back into a "oh poor me" type attitude but we see it right away and they "regulate" (RAD lingo) SO fast - minutes instead of hours!

They initiate loving contact appropriately and receive it appropriately.

They are attached to us and don't go giving random affection to strangers anymore!

All of them have come to know and love Christ and they have a heart for others as well.

Really, I forget what a struggle it was unless I am asked about it! Then, I, quite honestly, have to fall on my knees thanking God for all he has done. It really has been incredible!

Our second adoption was a sibling group of 6 who came to us from the foster system just a year and a half ago when they were ages 2,4,6, 8, 10, and 12. LOTS of attachment and trust issues. LOTS.

They had been in and out of care for years and had most adults in their lives leave and lie to them. ugh.

The older ones were sad, cold, distant, depressed, angry, fearful, mean, hateful, sassy, rude, and terribly self-centered and hateful.

The younger ones were completely unattached - almost like wild animals -

hard, unfocused, no eye contact, mostly non-verbal, fit throwing, "behind,"

and even had strange self soothing techniques like clicking and head-banging.

Yes, it was seriously crazy around here - again, for the better part of a year (or more?!) -

BUT, again, God is in the business of making all things new!

Just last week the now 9 year old came and wanted to "repent and walk with Jesus and obey Him." After he prayed and we talked, he said, "Mom, I feel like the old has gone and the new has come. . . you know that verse? And my life is like Romans 8:28. . . we know that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes."

Oh, the amazing redemption stories He has allowed us to be a part of!

Today (less than 2 years later), the oldest two girls are some of the most amazing young "teens" that I know.

They are compassionate, loving, and gracious (mostly).

When they do get sassy and rude (as most young girls sometimes do) they are quick to repent and make it right.

They trust us and when they get scared or fearful they come right to us so we can talk about it.

We have honest, open discussions about joys, fears, and the pain of loss that is still there, but they are truly healed little girls.

They have goals, dreams, and true JOY in the Lord.

They are helpful to us and to others.

They are playful and love to laugh.

The two youngest are no longer "behind" - in fact, all of their "diagnosis" they came with can just be ripped up and thrown away!

They are totally communicative, funny, happy, growing pre-schoolers.

They push the limits like any preschooler, but not in the crazy RAD way.

They get their love from mom and dad and not from strangers.

They are happy to see us.

They want to rock, make eye contact, and do the other very healthy things that a non-attachment challenged child would do!

They are truly JOYful blessings in our family!

The two "middle" children are still on their path to true healing, but we have seen some amazing progress even in the past month.

Our little wild child - our 7 y.o. girl - now actually "melts" when I hold her instead of feeling like a stiff board.

She climbs up for hugs, looks in my eyes, wants to talk and interact.

Her irritating, annoying, "look at me" behavior has decreased dramatically, and I think she is well on her way to total healing!

Our boy, now 9, has maybe had the hardest time because he probably has had the hardest past.

BUT, he doesn't head bang anymore (incredible!).

He is beginning to "melt" when hugged, talk and not talk at appropriate times, and is starting to have a sense of wanting to please us (rather than not caring at all).

He is the one who recently committed to following Christ and we see a change in him already.

I realized that one of the reasons I have never really told all of this part of our story is that I sometimes feel like telling it will discourage others who haven't seen this type of healing yet.

Please don't let this discourage you, but rather may it ENCOURAGE you to persevere.

I know how hard it is to be in that very dark place where you are about to lose Hope and you wonder if it will ever be any better. I do know. It is SO hard. I get it.

I don't know why our children are doing so well when others aren't yet. The only thing we can boast in is in Christ and in his redemptive work in our children's lives.

True wisdom does not come from adoption experts. It comes from Him and His Word.

We thank and praise Him for it and pray that He might continue His work in all of us.

And so, rather than offer more advice on how this happens, I will simply offer this:

We BELIEVE

(not just in our heads, but in our actions)

that He CAN heal,

that He has called us to this

and will give us the strength to carry on,

that He is refining us in this process

and that it is a GOOD thing (although hard),

that there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS Hope.

We HAVE GOT TO believe these things.

We just have to!

If God is not Sovereign and Good,

then why do we serve him or even believe in him?

If he is Sovereign and Good,

then the above list is true

and we simply MUST believe it

and live, everyday, like we do!

Feeling Condemned and Overwhelmed

Courtney from Storing up Treasures recently blogged about her Midlife crisis?. I CAN SO RELATE!

Interestingly enough, Courtney is 32 (I am 33) and has 10 kids (so do I) and many of them are from hard places (mine too).

I was moved to tears as I read her thoughts because I KNOW where she is.

I have been there.

I was there last September just before my husband and I went to the Together for Adoption Conference (T4A).

I responded in her comment section, but I thought I might post my response here as well just in case any other adoptive mama's are down in that very hard, very dark place and need some encouragement.

Read Courtney's post here

My response: Courtney,

It sounds like you are in what I have heard described as the "dark night of soul." I was SO there last August/September!

You are receiving a lot of advice here and I'd love to offer a few thoughts of my own, but before I do, may I just urge you to use caution as you read all of them. . . many of the ideas are not rooted in Truth but are rooted in secular humanistic thinking - they are lies, but they are the kind of lies that sound VERY much like the truth and are SO easy to believe. Be careful, my dear sister in Christ, to run everything through the lens of Truth, to see if the "ideas" are true according to God's Word, and aren't just worldly wisdom.

When I was where it sounds like you are, I realized a couple of things that (by God's Grace) I believe really helped me to renew my thinking which then eventually led to a refreshment of my spirit.

1. I had lost Hope. I had actually started to believe that there was no light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I was beginning to think that these kids from hard places would never heal, that life was just caving in on us, that I'd never be able to parent w/o frustration, etc. . . I totally lost sight of the fact that we ALWAYS have Hope in Christ. That He was working out his perfect plan in our lives. That His grace was sufficient for me, and that there WAS light, I just needed to look up. Have you lost hope? That is believing a lie. There is Hope.

2. I was feeling CONDEMNED - I was a bad EVERYTHING! Just like you described. . . , it was this overwhelming feeling of everything being wrong, bad, terrible. A good friend pointed out to me that I was FEELING condemned but the Truth is that there is now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I was feeling accused. Do you know who the accuser is? That's right - Satan! He stands and accuses us, but Christ says on our behalf, "I have paid for all of that. It doesn't matter. It is gone." Accusation and condemnation are so guilt producing and awful because we KNOW that there is no way we can ever be good enough, be enough. God does not want us to stand feeling condemned and accused. He has declared us righteous not because of US, but because of Him! HOWEVER, conviction is much different. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit and is SPECIFIC (not vague and overwhelming like condemnation/accusation). So, it is totally possible that there is something that the HS is convicting you about, but with conviction, you can see the specific sin, repent, know forgiveness, and move on in freedom (w/o guilt) because you have dealt with it. See the difference. Don't believe Satan's lies here either. God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

Now, pragmatically speaking, I was EXHAUSTED emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Being a 32 y.0. mother of 10 (many from hard places) will do that to you. (BTW, did you know that we share all of that in common? LOL!)

What REALLY helped to refresh me in body, mind, and spirit was to plan a week long getaway (to T4A and then some other fun stuff) with my husband. WE TOTALLY needed it. It took some work on the front end, but it was seriously the best thing we could have done at that point. T4A was great in many ways - some of which I'm sure you will get in Orlando in a few weeks - but it was also great b/c of the incredible worship times with Aaron Ivy which refreshed our spirits greatly. The time away in a nice hotel and then some time spent with good friends and just time to be quiet (we both know how little of that we get daily) and think was invaluable. I KNOW that the tendency to say "we just can't do it right now" will be great (that's what I thought!), but I think that if you are where you sound like you are (and I was totally there), you HAVE GOT to do this for both yourself and the Rockstar.

AND, you HAVE GOT to keep in touch almost daily with that one good friend who will hear your heart - who you can say "IT SUCKS" and she will say, "Yes, it is hard! AND, it is totally good. Keep it up. Keep it up. I am here to help however I can." Do you have that friend? I am praying that God will bring her to you if you don't.

I would LOVE to talk with you over the phone and to just pray with you. My husband and I will help you get away if there is any way we can help. We know where you are. (msg. me via facebook?)

IT IS hard!

It is GOOD.

There is Hope!

Praying for His peace, and renewed joy as you go through this "dark night of soul" and KNOWING that JOY comes with the morning, Jen

Monday Musings

1. If you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos.

2. Yesterday one of my children had a terrible day. It was his birthday. ugh.

3. If you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos.

4. Christine says "whatever you feel like doing, do the exact opposite. Do you feel like screaming? Lower your voice to a whisper."

5. See, I told you that if you are parenting "children from hard places," you should routinely watch Christine's videos! (last time, I promise)

6. One of my new favorite blogs is "Life at the Willards." We met and had lunch with the Willards at the Together for Adoption conference that we went to last month. We can't wait to see what amazing plans God has for them. We want to help them raise adoption funds and if you want to help too, please check out their blog for ways you can purchase really awesome stuff that raises money for their adoption and for orphans and widows in Uganda!

7. The Willards had a great quote on the sidebar of their blog:

It can be so exhausting to parent children from "hard places"... So exhausting, but it isn't just about giving them a warm bed and full tummies. We wouldn't make it if that's all it was for... But, Let us be willing to be exhausted for the sake of their souls. That will glorify God.... Let us be willing.

Wow! I totally agree. I needed that encouragement today.

Amen sister! Who said that?

Oh.

It was me!* LOL!

*granted, the ideas were also expressed in two other blogs which are referenced in the original post

More of What to Expect the First Year

As a follow up to my last post, I am re-posting what my dear friend, Shawna, added in the comments (in case you don't read the comments). She is 100% accurate on this.

What newly adoptive parents need the first year from their friends and church family:

1. The first year for parents who adopt children from "hard places" is totally consuming. Regardless of how old the children are, expect that the parents will be as consumed as parents of a newborn baby...with colic. If they are adopting more than one, it will be like having multiples....with colic...and probably food allergies too...just to give some perspective.

2. A wonderful "gift" for adoptive families is to free them up to parent. Intentionally parenting in a way that leads to healing for their children will be absolutely requires 110%, and no one else can do it. But, someone else can: cook, clean, organize clothing, shop, drive, take the dog to the vet, mow the lawn, etc.

3. Another great "gift" that a church can give is to completly release adoptive parents from any and all obligations they have to serve at church. They may think that they can continue to serve, but they can't. (And for that matter, release mom from any obligation to do anything for at least one year....including answer the phone!)

4. Also, during that first year, don't expect that adoptive parents will be able to get away without the kids much. As with a newborn baby, the children will benefit from mom and dad's constant presence in the short term. However, a trusted person who is willing to provide short-term child care, like while mom and dad grab some dessert after bedtime,or so mom can take a walk during naptime, can be helpful.

5. And finally, remember that for the first year, and beyond, these parents will be working so hard to gain their children's trust and win their hearts. As support people, believe it or not, some of what we intend for good can actually be detrimental to this process. Indulging the children with "stuff" or experiences, for example, can compete with the bonding process.

Adoption Lessons: Truth Heals (John 5)

I am thinking that the very sweet, nice Jesus character in the bible story books and movies is not really an accurate portrayal of his true character.

I don't know anywhere in the bible where "niceness" is touted as a virtue. And, I could be wrong here, but maybe if we worried less about being nice, we would actually speak the truth more often and tell people what they probably really need to hear (which, I argue, would actually be kinder than giving them a "pat on the back" they don't need. . . and kindness IS a fruit of the Spirit!).

Now, you are probably thinking: "What in the world does this have to do with John 5, adoption, or healing?"

Well. . . let's look at the interaction Jesus has at the pool of Bethesda -

Here is this poor, crippled man who is lying there in misery (and has been for a long time).

The psycho-babble "niceness" of our day would say that it would be good to

go up to him and ask him how he's feeling,

and say how sorry we are for him,

and make him comfortable,

and tell him oh, how terrible it is that this is his life and has happened to him blah, blah, blah. . . .

we would probably even call this "compassion."

But, that is TOTALLY NOT what Jesus does!

And, if anyone is compassionate, it was Jesus, right?

Jesus sees him and his condition and then says clear as day (and, as I read it, I am not thinking it is with a sweet, "oh, poor you" voice) asks him "Do you want to get well?"

The man doesn't say yes!

He doesn't. . . instead, he does what all people wallowing in self-pity and self-focus do - he gives a bunch of excuses and reasons why he hasn't gotten well and why he can't get well. . . the "I am totally a victim, please feel sorry for me" mentality.

Believe me, I see this DAILY in my children (and myself, if I don't watch it).

There is ALWAYS an excuse and a reason why it is someone elses fault and why they are a victim.

Jesus does not "feel bad" for the man (although I'm sure He has compassionate love toward him!).

He doesn't say, "oh, you are right. . . how sad. . . I can see how that hurts your feelings that others are jumping in line ahead of you. . . why don't we go talk to them and work it out. . . "

Nope. none of that.

Jesus just says "Get up! Pick up your mat and walk" Now, of course, I'm sure there is supernatural healing involved here, but that same power that Jesus has is available to us too.

And, when the man obeyed - actually decided to stop wallowing and to obey Christ and get up-he was healed!

Then, when Jesus sees the man later, he says "See, you are better! Now stop sinning so something worse doesn't happen to you."

Pretty blunt.

Not very "nice" in the way we think of "nice."

BUT, it was KIND.

Kind and Compassionate - because He gave them what they needed -

a good reality check - the TRUTH.

Get up, stop wallowing in self pity, stop sinning and be made well.

Sorry if this is rambling, but are you seeing this.?

. . This is SO how it is with our kids!

We aren't doing them any favors by telling them how sorry we feel for them and letting them continue in their (completely self-focused, self-worshipping) "I'm a victim, oh, poor me" mindset.

They need the TRUTH. *

TRUTH -

Yes, bad things happen.

Yes, some of them have happened to you.

Yes, life is not fair.

NOW, get up and walk!

stop sinning or it will only get worse.

TRUTH -

be healed by the love of Jesus.

You are not a victim.

Jesus is enough.

It doesn't matter what the others around you are doing.

Yes, they might be "jumping in the pool ahead of you."

Get over it.

Get up and WALK IN TRUTH.

hmm. . .not going to win me any points with the psychologists, I know.

Off to kindly and compassionately encourage my kids to walk in truth today!

*and just to make sure I'm not understood here: The Truth is always spoken in LOVE. I'm not talking about being harsh with our children. I'm talking about helping them take the focus off of themselves and pointing them toward the only One who can truly, truly heal their hearts.

Therapeutic Parenting - When Our Kids are Stuck

Oh my. . .

Have you ever wondered what my days are really like?

Ever wondered what parenting traumatized kids or kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder is like?

Well, watch this (and then watch Christine's other Therapeutic Parenting videos - there are 8 or so) and get a little glimpse.

Check out Christine's blog too. It is full of wonderful inspiration and information on a variety of subjects with just the right amount of subtle sarcasm to make it LOL funny!