Clothing the Masses

I know that many people wonder just how it is possible to provide for 10 children.

You know. . . HOW, exactly, do we feed and clothe them all.

I get it. I know that it seems illogical and somewhat impossible.

But, do you know that the Lord has this AMAZING way of providing for all of our needs?

He is good. He is Sovereign.

Why would we EVER doubt

that he will provide for our needs?

He will.

He will provide.

He always does.

He always has.

and, He commands us to REMEMBER his faithfulness!

so. . .

Just so I don't forget, here is how we have been blessed in the clothing department:

• We have boxes of clothing in our closets and garage that are sorted by gender, size, and season. Most of these are hand-me downs from neighbors and friends. They are all in great condition. Whenever I need a new pair of jeans for one of the kids (usually the boys wear their's out first), I can run out and find a pair that fits. Awesome!

• We also have shoes, sandals, boots, etc. . . same story, basically.

• Late in the summer I sorted through all of the clothes the kids have for winter (took 2 days!) and then went thrift-storing with a good friend. I managed to purchase almost everything that 10 children needed for fall/winter for about $250. That is about $25 per child!

• Growing feet, and wet, cold winters meant that we really did need new snow boots for 7 of the children this year. UGH. Not cheap! We HAVE tried the thrift-store, hand me down boot thing and usually end up regretting it every day the children come in with soaking wet red little toes. . . but, I happened upon a GREAT sale at a well-known children's catalog store and ended up getting an INCREDIBLE deal:

7 Pairs of $30.00 snow boots and a pair of $30.00 snow gloves

for a grand total of:

(drumroll please)

$109.84 (INCLUDING shipping!)

WOW!

Thank you Lord for your provision.

Always.

Help me to remember!

Other mamas of large families: How do you clothe your children without bankrupting your account? Let's share some ideas.

Your Questions Answered: Showers of Blessing

Q: We have a family in our church with four children who will soon be welcoming a sibling group of foster children into their home. We would like to have a "shower" for them, but we know they may not need more stuff (or maybe they do?). What would you recommend we, as a church, do to help them?

A: We have been INCREDIBLY blessed by our brothers and sisters in Christ as they have come around us this past year to shower us with blessings of help, resources, and encouragement. The Church can be an extremely huge blessing to a family entering the journey of fostering or adopting a large sibling group (or even a small sibling group!). In fact, I would say that the church is ESSENTIAL for the family to be able to make it through the hard first year.

Here are some things that I know would be very helpful:

MEALS - Deliver dinner every night. For a long time. Months, probably. Think of it as if they just birthed sextuplets!

If it is DHS, they'll probably be getting money for the new child(ren)'s needs
(like diapers and clothes),

but

try to think of gifts for the whole family. . . things they probably wouldn't purchase themselves.

-a "Summer Fun" gift box with new beach towels and a family pass to the zoo

-a "Winter Fun" gift box with sleds, hot cocoa, and matching mugs.

A shower to celebrate could be fun, but make sure the guests know that gift cards to Target or money would probably be appreciated more than a whole bunch of toys and gifts for the kids.

AND, keep the shower as low key as possible or have it before the new children arrive. There are a thousand reasons for this (I would be happy to expand on this if anyone wants - just leave a comment).

These are my thoughts, but another family might think something totally different,

so I think I would approach the family and say:

"Hey, we really want to celebrate with you and we were thinking that__________might be a fun way to do that. Would that be helpful to you, or would something else better meet your needs?"

Those are my thoughts based on what we have needed this past year. In retrospect, I had NO IDEA how much support and help we would need and I am so thankful for it. I am especially thankful for the help and support that was given before we had to ask. Most of the time I was so busy and overwhelmed, I didn't even know to ask or who to ask. It was nice that it just came!

Your Questions Answered: Adoption Fundraising?

Wow! I hardly EVER get comments, let alone questions. I was SO excited to receive this really great question from Jennifer in regards to adoption fundraising efforts:

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This is a really interesting idea. Please don't think I'm criticizing when I ask my question. I'm only thinking this through "out loud" (or in print, as it may be...) I am an adoptee from a large adoptive family and my parents didn't fundraise for any adoption because they felt we would be made to feel like a "project." It's purely speculative, but it seems to me that would have indeed been my feeling. As an adult, when we chose to adopt, my husband is in full-time ministry and I am a home maker, yet we have seen the Lord provide for three private adoptions (the fourth and now our fifth are through foster care). We didn't tell very many people of our plans to adopt privately. Only the Lord and we knew if He willed, He would fund our adoptions, which He did. But back to my question, does fund raising for an adoption make the child feel like a "project?" Please accept my question in the spirit it was intended...just trying to learn and grow by thinking out loud. Blessings, Jennifer

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Jennifer, I am not offended in the least by your question. I think it is a good question and I am happy to address it here! Of course, I am not the expert, nor am I adopted myself, but I can give you our "take" on it:

I think that if parents think of and treat their children as "projects"then the children may feel like they are a "project" rather than a beloved child.

I believe this is true of any child - foster, adopted, or biological.

I don't think that fund raising to bring a child home is necessarily an indicator of the parents' heart attitude towards the child, nor an indicator of how they will treat that child once they are home.

Certainly, we can all think of MANY cases where foster children are certainly "projects" of parents - sadly, often it is a financial project. However, in our case and in MANY others, parents have felt very called by God to pursue foster children coming into their homes.

Should all foster parents refuse state subsidies so that their child doesn't feel like a project? I don't think that is the case.

I really think it is about the relationships developed within the family that would cause a foster child to feel like (or not feel like) a "project."

I know many a biological child that has certainly been treated like a project. You know the ones - the parents are having their 2.5 children to "round out" their nice little lives with their beautiful house, dog, boat, and cars and then take the child to every activity known to man so that they can be little achievers in every way and also completely expect the child to meet their psychological and emotional needs for security and love. . . ya know?

I can remember a recent adoption story in the news where a very rich family adopted internationally (without assistance or fund raising), only to bring the child home and then be OFFENDED and frustrated that the child was not immediately meeting their emotional needs to be loved, was not responding with gratitude towards the parents who felt like they had done the child "such a great service and given them so much."

In this case, I can CERTAINLY see where the child would feel like a project! In our home, when we talk about our Liberian children's adoption, we often discuss and remember how many gracious and generous friends and family members helped financially to bring them home.

We recall with great fondness the large and small donations made by so many who visibly demonstrated God's love so that they might be able to come home to be a part of our loving family instead of suffering hunger and lonliness in an orphanage for the rest of their lives.

WE talk about it in a positive light because we really believe that it is positive.

All of our children think it is AWESOME that SO many people were able to be a part of their homecoming.

I imagine (and I could be completely wrong) that one reason you think you would have felt like a project (if your parents had fund-raised) is that you have heard your parents tell you why they didn't fund raise and so it has become a part of your pattern of thinking.

I'm not saying it is right or wrong, just pointing out that children often "take on" a lot of what their parents talk about. For example, my girls often will say that an outfit is "not appropriate" while another girl of the same age will feel like the same outfit is "sexy or cute." The difference? Discussions with their parents that have helped to formulate their thought processes.

We, of course, always want our children to know that they are beloved and wanted and are NOT projects, but are precious gifts we have been given by God.

Part of His gift to us was providing (through His people) the funds to bring them home to us!

Those are my initial thoughts. Thank you for being brave enough to ask about it! I hope you will let me know what you think.

I would also love to hear what others think about adoption fundraising. I have to admit that I had never given it a whole lot of thought before - at least not in regards to the feelings of the adoptive child towards the process.

When you don't feel love

Lisa, over at A Bushel and a Peck has a great "Tuesday Topic." She posted a question from a newly adoptive mama about what do do when you (the mama) don't feel attached. This is a really great question and one that sometimes gets overlooked or not talked about for fear of what others might think.

Lisa will be posting all of the comments next Tuesday and I can't wait to read them!

After leaving a comment at her blog, I thought I might repost my thoughts here - since I might need to read them and remind myself of this on my next bad day! LOL!

So, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts on what to do when you, as the adoptive parent, aren't feeling attached:

Hi there! First off, I just want to say that what you are feeling is NOT uncommon. It always makes me frustrated to read blogs or other writings that say "oh, it is exactly the same as having a biological child. . . I love them so much and I don't feel any different." In my honest opinion, this is almost never the case and if the person writing it isn't just flat lying, then they are probably still in the honeymoon phase!

Please don't feel like you are alone in the struggle to feel attached to your adopted child.

Secondly, if you are not "feeling love," it is O.K.! The reason it is O.K. is that true love is not a feeling. . . it is an ACTION. If you are not "feeling" loving toward your child yet, just keep on ACTIVELY loving them - for an infant, that means rocking, singing, feeding, changing, holding, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, feeding, changing, talking, feeding, changing. . . well, you get the picture! LOL! The feelings will follow the actions - eventually! With our first adoption (a sibling group of 3 from Liberia ages 4, 5, and 7), I didn't have the CONSISTENT loving feelings for over a year! I often FELT more protective toward my biological child, especially when our adopted children were the antagonists. However, we kept on actively loving them, and praying - praying a LOT- and hoping that their little hearts would heal. And then, one day, I was talking to my friend about an injustice that one of my adopted children had suffered at the hands of a neighbor (and boy, was I mad!) and my dear friend pointed out to me that I was having that true "mama-bear" protective love toward my child. And, I was! Even though we look as different as night and day, I often do (NOW) almost forget that these children were not from my womb. BUT, it wasn't always the case. It took a long time to get here! We have found a similar thing to be true with our second adoption (a sibling group of 6 out of foster care). Active Agape (unconditional) Love leads to that Phileo (friendship-type feeling) love that we all desire to have with our children. It has been easier this time around, and I think that maybe it is because my heart has already been through this process once before and I can more easily see and hope for the light at the end of the tunnel. I also wanted to say that I also mourned the lack of the breastfeeding relationship with all of my adopted children (especially with the youngest - age 2). One thing we tried was skin to skin rocking time and bottle feeding with sweet milk. We only did it for about 3-4 months, but it REALLY was an awesome time of bonding for both of us. As far as whining goes, try not to give in to it, but do remember to give him a way to ask for what he wants w/o whining - I would suggest some simple "baby sign language" for "more," "please," "drink," and maybe "up." It has only been 3 months, please do not despair! Adoption is hard, it is a sacrifice, but it is SO worth it!

Your Questions Answered (vol. 1)

How does foster care/adoption compare to your Liberian adoption?

Hmmm. . . in many ways it is very similar.

• We feel like both of our adoptions have been very much a part of God's plan and that it was Him who called us to this.
  

• In both instances we have brought in sibling groups of older children.
  

• There were many unknowns with our Liberian adoption process and MANY unknowns about the children (just given the nature of adopting from a Third World country with a very small beauracracy!). We are finding out that the overabundant American beauracratic system, with all of the social workers and systems and files, does not necessarily decrease the amount of unknowns!

• We feel very strongly that it has been CRUCIAL to our children's attachment and healing for them to be home with us during the day rather than away at day care or public school (I'm not looking to start a debate here, just stating that there is NO way our Liberian children could have healed and bonded so well if they were away from us 8 hours a day nor would we be able to make any headway w/ our foster/adopt children if they were away and with "friends" for most of the day).

• A lot of the other strategies we learned while parenting our Liberian children through that very hard first year have been helpful in our new "very hard year" with our foster/adopt children: things like rocking, giving bottles, setting tight boundaries, severely limiting media, etc. . .

• It was/is hard for our adopted children to believe that this is really forever (at least, initially). For our Liberian children it was hard because their bio. parents had lied to them, they had lived in an orphange, and they were very confused about what "adoption" was for at least 12 months. . . AND, they weren't bonded or attached! For our foster/adopt children, there are less obvious signs of bonding and attachment issues, the older ones understand "adoption" in their head, BUT being in and out of many homes gives them a very confused idea about the concept of a "forever family" as well.
  

In some ways it has been different:

• With our Liberian adoption, once we had our children, they were "ours" for sure. As soon as we boarded the plane for the U.S. I had no fear that anyone or anything would take them away from us. With foster-adoption, there is always that nagging fear in the pit of my stomach that something could go terribly wrong and my children could be declared "not mine" at any point before the adoption is final. Of course, in our heads and hearts they are "ours" for sure. . . I just pray that "the system" doesn't decide something else!

• Although in both cases we have adopted older sibling groups, the "issues" that have come have been somewhat different. Our Liberian children came home and were very much on sensory overload. There were cultural adjustments, language barriers, and a lot of RAD behaviors that we were addressing. We had a TON of defiance, anger, spiritual oppression, pouting, etc. . . This time, our foster/adopt children don't have all of the sensory and cultural adjustments (except for those that are more family specific) but they have more of the sassy, entitled, whining, emotional manipulation behaviors that remind me very much of my junior high years! LOL!

I am going to have to think about this some more, because there are really a LOT of things I could compare and contrast. . . these are just the things that were on my mind tonight.

How much involvment do social workers,the child's bio family, etc.. become involved?

I think this is different depending on which social workers, judges, and agencies you are working with and also dependent upon the specifics of your child's case. At this point, our children's bio. family is not in the picture at all but we are open to it at some point in the future if it is a safe thing for our children. The social workers we have worked with have been awesome, but we have also seen some really poor social workers and situations too. I think most of them are overworked, undertrained, and underpaid so we try to always give them the benefit of the doubt and an extra measure of grace knowing that they, also, are working within a very messed up system.

Also how does fostering with the intention to adopt work? Is it like it was for your Liberian children where you choose the children or does the social worker place any child that needs a foster family with you?

I think it can work either way. We were actually approved to be foster parents who could adopt a child in our home if they became available. We would have been very happy to do that at some point. However, after our first foster children went home, we realized that we really did want to adopt again and began looking to see if there were any children in the foster system now who were ready and available to be adopted. So, like our Liberian adoption, this adoption also began with an email from us requesting information about children on a photolisting. Most states have a photolisting of available children or you can try adoptuskids.com to see children from every state. Always ask if there are other siblings. . . our six children were originally only four!