If you haven't yet heard, a 7 year old adopted Liberian girl died recently from alleged child-abuse at the hands of her parents who were allegedly following the child-training principles of Michael and Debi Pearl, authors of "To Train up a Child." This tragedy, of course, is very near and dear to my heart since we also have an adopted Liberian daughter of about the same age, and we are a large, Christian, homeschooling family AND (gulp, dare I mention) I have read some of The Pearl's books and online articles and have even followed some of the practical suggestions within them.
I had been saddened and confused in the past few months by both the death of Lydia and by the seemingly harsh and slanderous backlash against the Pearls which has been intense. I felt discouraged because we have gleaned wisdom from the Pearls website and resources over the years (although we don't "follow" the teaching of any man, but of the Lord) and I felt like so many people were now saying that the "Pearls advocate beating children to death."
THAT was never what I read when I read any of these materials, yet it seemed as if so many had such the opposite experience.
It raised so many questions:
Had we totally been blind and missing it as parents all of these years because we sought to teach our children to obey?
Had we been completely led astray by false teachings?
What about all of the "Pearl or Ezzo reading" wonderful, loving Christian families that we personally know who have sweet, joyful Christ-loving children?
How can one family read these things and parent "this" way, but another family reads it and thinks something totally different?
Because of this confusion, I have completely avoided talking about it on my blog until now.
Ann, over at Holy Experience, recently posted a link to THIS article from Tina ,reviewing the Pearl's book "To Train Up a Child," which really helped me to answer some of these questions.
I think this article is definitely worth reading no matter what your experience with TTUAC has been. In it, she outlines some of the problems that can come from TTUAC, especially in the hands of a young, inexperienced, and desperate mother or father sincerely seeking to glorify God in their parenting.
I found Tina's thoughts to be very enlightening and encouraging. So much so, that it prompted me to finally "say" something about it all in this more public forum.
In addition to what Tina concludes, I would like to offer the following thoughts:
- I have probably read a hundred parenting books and have gleaned wisdom and insight, practical ideas, and encouragement from almost all of them and have also realized that NONE of them is full of absolute truth. After all, they are written by fallible humans. The only authority for glorifying and obeying God is the Bible, which is the Word of God.
- For me, personally, it has always been easy to "chew up the meat and spit out the bones" whether I am reading the parenting advice of the Pearls, the Ezzos, Dr. Sears, Dr. Dobson, Sally Clarkson, Tedd Tripp, Scott Turansky, or any others. However, I have realized, in recent days that MANY young mothers are not as able to glean what is good and leave what is bad and often feel bad if they don't follow a particular method to a "T." This, for some reason, seems to be especially true with regards to the teachings of The Pearls and The Ezzos. This has been a bit of an eye-opener for me!
- I guess I am now what some would term a "seasoned parent" and I am often asked about books, methods, tips, tricks, principles, and practicalities of parenting. In the past my assumption would have been that any book that had helped us might also be helpful to other families. I think that I have wrongly assumed that others are able to "spit out the bones" as easily as I do while still thoughtfully applying what is biblical, helpful, and good. And, so, I arrive at the same conclusion that Tina does:
While I do not think Michael Pearl intends for his teachings to lead to abuse, I can clearly see how readingTTUAC could influence parents to sin or at least exasperate their children. I am not calling for a Pearl book burning. I do still believe that Christians should “chew the meat and spit out the bones” with any resource. Doing so, however, requires wisdom. So many parents who seek parenting advice are young, inexperienced and lack discernment. (I know I was!) Seasoned parents should direct young parents to resources that emphasize the need to pray for wisdom continually and are written in a gracious manner.So, my question for you, dear readers, is:
What are those parenting resources that emphasize the need to pray for wisdom continually and are written in a gracious manner?
I *think* I know what ones I would recommend, but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts first!
