How to Help an Adoptive Family

Um... Can I just say that adopting is hard?  Yes.  It is good but it is really really hard!  It is even harder when you adopt multiple older children and they all have attachment issues, trauma, and other struggles.  Put that together with the challenges of just learning to love each other and be a family, and you've got a recipe for one burned out mama!
Ever wonder how you could help? Lisa Qualls has some great suggestions today! I know from personal experience that our friends and family doing these things had a huge impact on us making it through those really hard few years!Eight Ways to Help a Struggling Family

Instead of Halloween, Can we Have Prayer Please?

I know.  I promised part 2 of Halloween Revisited.  I am working on it and I will post it soon. 

However, more than a few major things are happening right now and we would just like to ask you to come alongside us and join in prayer asking the Lord for wisdom, guidance, peace, and that He would move on our behalf.  We are trusting Him and are finding a great amount of rest and peace amidst a whole lot of seeming chaos (but we KNOW He is in control!). 

Finding Joy here:



"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." 

and

"But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.”  We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.  That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 

 

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 

 

So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, 

we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. 

For the things we see now will soon be gone, but 

the things we cannot see will last forever."

Thank you for your prayers! 

Halloween Re-visited

This is a re-post from last year with a promise to actually post part 2 tomorrow.   And, can I just say that you simply MUST read on if you have had your children home for less than 2 years!

The children and I have been asked many times over the past week what we were doing for Halloween and what they were going to "be" for Halloween.  How we have approached Halloween has changed a lot over the years for a number of reasons which I will expand on tomorrow.  

If you are reading this blog and you have recently adopted children (within the past 2 years), 

I will give you this little tip that may save you a little sanity:  whatever you usually do on Halloween, SKIP the sugar-laden, high sensory-overload Halloween-fest or Harvest Party at least for this year.

  It is O.K. 

Your children will not die if they don't get to go trick-or-treating.  Nor will they die if they don't go get their faces painted while inhaling huge amounts of sugar and popcorn just before winning a game of "Jesus Jack-O-Lanterns" and then bringing home a small goldfish which will most certainly die the next day. . . 

If you have NO idea why I am saying to SKIP it this year, you have probably just very recently arrived home and you really should believe me when I say that the last thing your new child needs is this high level of stress mixed in with the very real spiritual battle that is raging for his or her heart and is often intensified on this night.  

More tomorrow on our family's personal Halloween journey, but here's something to think about:

"Instead of hating evil, Americans toy with it. We toy with holidays like Halloween that were conceived in evil and that promote the “cute-ification” of evil, whether that evil takes the form of witchcraft, sorcery, ghoulishness, or some other form of malevolent imagery paraded before our children. We laugh at the very things that the Lord describes as “abominations,” and we find ourselves obsessively fascinated by, and attracted to, all things dark.

Yet we do not fear the Lord. . . "

                                                     - Doug Philipps (read the rest of the article here)

Q and A Adoption: Bringing Home an Older Child

Q:  Those of you who have brought home a child at the age of 12 and up, what would be some of your suggestions for how to foster connection? (A question from Parenting with Connection FB group)

A:  This is going to sound crazy especially to anyone who hasn't tried to create connection with children from hard places and/or older children from hard places, but honestly, my best advice is that you've got to bring them home and circle the wagons for a LONG time which IMHO looks like severely limiting peer relationships and other adult relationships until you are very well connected. 

With our oldest, this meant her being home with us 24/7. No public school, no friends outside of our family (acquaintances at church, yes), no other significant adults, no ipods, phones, computers, social media for a LONG LONG time. 

The hard thing with older kiddos is that you are trying to tie "heart strings" with them at an age where most healthy children are beginning to cut a few heart strings (rightly so - when they have many heart strings attached, it is OK to start to cut a few here and there as they begin their transition to adulthood). BUT, your new child won't have ANY heart strings to cut and they will be looking for anyone anywhere to give them what they think they want rather than to attach to you because they are SCARED that you (who are saying you will always be there and will love them, etc) are going to be just like the other adults in their lives who have let them down and they don't want to risk it again, so they are going to do all they can to ignore you, push you away and find it elsewhere. 

You've got to create a space where you are really the only option. So, circle those wagons. Stay home together (don't worry about academics that first year home!), play with them, do pre-schoolish type things with them and let them just BE a child in your family - don't worry, they'll mature out of it once they have had that need met. 

Also, spend time at night talking with them and cuddling with them as much as you can or at least rubbing their back or sitting near them (even if they resist). Say "Yes" as much as possible. Offer treats like m &m's while you look at them with kind eyes (sugar is a great "yes, you are ok." ). 

Limit media (I'd say to ZERO unless it is a special family event). Limit outside activities especially those that are peer oriented like school, youth group, sleepovers, etc (again, I'd say to ZERO pretty much for the first year or two). BUT in place of all that, put yourself - relationship, caring, loving interactions. Firm boundaries but lots of relational connection. 

AND, don't be easily offended. Oh MY, can pre-teens easily offend their parents and this is magnified in hurt children. Just let it go and don't be offended. It isn't personal. And even if it is, it won't help anything to respond to the offense in a way that communicates frustration. 

So, that's the HARD path that is a LOT harder than just going the way of the culture and hoping for the best. BUT, we've seen it help our older adopted children really become attached and healed and NOW, they are able to cut some heart strings and move out from us and start to transition to adulthood because we've got lots of strings attached and their hearts are settled and they are healthy.

Don't lose heart.  This is hard and takes time.  Your child will not instantly trust you and know that everything will be fine.  YOU understand that you are a "good" parent, but your new child does not.  Even when they can mentally assent to that (maybe a year from now), they still will have an emotional brain response that tells them otherwise.  It will take a lot of time to grow this relationship!

AND, by the way, NO ONE will understand why you are doing this.  All of your friends with healthy young teens will think you are crazy.  So will the grandparents.  People at church will probably be offended that your child isn't in the youth group.  You've just got to not care what they think, try to educate them by gracious explanation, and then do the hard work anyways.  Don't worry.  You'll be so busy trying to connect with your teen, you won't have time to worry about what anyone thinks anyways!  

What about you?  Any thoughts on older child connection?  I'd love to hear your ideas!  

The Grace of Refinement

“God will take you where you would not have chosen to go

in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own. 

The Bible calls this grace.“

–Paul David Tripp

Yes, Yes, Yes!  Grace.  I've been given so much!  So much of what I would NEVER have chosen and yet it has been God's refining fire in my life and has led to so much more than I could have EVER asked or imagined.  

Pondering these other thoughts from (one of my favorite pastors) Paul David Tripp:

Sometimes we are crying out, “Where is the grace of God?” …but we are already getting it!

We need the grace of refinement, rather than the grace of relief. 

Uncomfortable grace. 

Often this side of eternity the grace of God comes to us in uncomfortable forms – exactly the grace that we need. 

Don’t name the difficulties as a sign of his inattention and unfaithfulness,

they are actually a sign of a seal of his redemptive love.  

His redemptive love.  Yes!   When I name it rightly, I am able to give thanks for the grace rather than to complain about the pain.  

Want to give thanks with me today?

What's your Standard?

‎"The standard of the world, and the standard of the Lord Jesus, 

are indeed widely different.

They are more than different. 

They are flatly contradictory one to the other."

~ J.C. Ryle

Stepping Heavenward

"The longer I live the more conscious I am of human frailty, 

and of the constant, overwhelming need we all have of God’s grace." 

- Elizabeth Prentiss

Adoption Lessons: Not Giving Up

Sorry it has been so quiet here.  It has been a season of testing and trial for us, to be sure.  I know there are many other adoptive parents who are either for the first time or the hundredth time feeling like they just can't go on.  Please don't believe it.  Don't believe the lies of the enemy.  We are crushed, perplexed, knocked down, and it is HARD, but this momentary suffering is light in comparison of the eternal glory of knowing Christ.   Join with us in leaning on and living by the words of 2 Corinthians 4 in this very difficult season:

1 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, [fn1] we never give up.2 We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.

3 If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. 4 Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts

so we could know the glory of God 

that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. [fn2] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. 

We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 

9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. 

We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 

10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus 

so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” [fn3] 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, [fn4] will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. 

And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, 

and God will receive more and more glory.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are [fn5]being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Years ago when this "grace and glory" blog started, I had no idea just how much those two words would come to mean in our lives.  It truly is all about Him!

Passion for Orphans Retreat

The retreat in CO this spring was so good.  The upcoming retreat this fall in TN should be even better!  One of my (in real life) best friends, Terina Dutton, will be one of the main speakers.  Don't miss it!

Embracing Orphans Retreat

I'm SO excited to let you all know about the upcoming Embracing Orphans Retreat April 5-7 being hosted by Mavuno Market and Heavenly Hope Ministries.

Terina from HHM is one of my dearest friends and I can't wait to see her again (maybe tomorrow I'll share the amazing way that God brought us together!).

I would LOVE to have you join us for this time of encouragement and refreshment for anyone involved in orphan care and I am looking forward to meeting some of my dear online friends in real life!

I'm looking forward to sharing more of our story during one of the breakout sessions and I'm excited to hear some other stories over the course of the weekend.

There is still time to register.  Check it out and let me know if I'll see you there!

Adoption Lessons: Labor Pains

I *think* we might be there.

On the other side, that is.

The other side of the very very VERY (did I say V-E-R-Y?) HARD HARD HARD part of adopting KFHP (kids from hard places) with attachment issues.

Waiting for your adopted children to come home is often likened to pregnancy.  The waiting, the expectation, the waiting, the preparation, the waiting, the praying, the waiting. . .

And then, all of the sudden, they arrive.  They are home.  And EVERYONE is thrilled, and you are too

only no one told you

and you have no clue (if it is your first adoption)

that bringing them home is like feeling the first contraction:  Exciting.  A new life is joining your family.  BUT,  labor has just begun and it might be, probably will be a LONG and HARD labor. . .

Shaun says it just perfectly.

Sometimes in the "labor," in those first years home, it feels like you are in a deep dark pit and even though you
KNOW there is light at the end of the tunnel,
KNOW there is Hope in Christ,
KNOW He is doing His redeeming work in them and in you. . .
it FEELS like you 
just 
might 
die.  

And, in a very real way, you are - dying, that is - dying to self, choosing sacrifice even though you don't want it. Just like Jesus prayed for his father to take the cup from him but submitted to it anyways for our good and for His glory, we choose to sacrifice by loving our very unlovable (most times) and hurt children who continue to
reject,
push away,
and sabotage. . .

BUT,  We rejoice in our suffering as we share in HIS suffering.

We know that suffering is for a little while but that it eventually leads to Hope!

Oh, it is so hard - ESPECIALLY at about 9-12 months in!  This was one of our darkest times during both of our adoptions of older child sibling groups.  Take heart, dear friend in Christ.  We have watched our GREAT God take 9 kids from hard places with major attachment issues and REDEEM them in every way!  AND, We thank God that this process involved a whole lot of refining fire in our own lives as well!  Refining fire is painful, not pleasant, but it yields fruit that reflects and glorifies our Lord.

Dear One, if you feel like you are 27 hours into a long a painful labor, do not give up now.  He will be faithful.  

Continue fighting the good fight.  Do not lose heart or hope.  God's grace and your perseverance will yield something beautiful and worth it - just as physical labor pains eventually birth a beautiful bundle of sweet baby goodness.  Though you probably can't conceive of it now, you may even someday be wishing to go through these "labor pains" again as you look to bring home another child from a hard place.  We know, because we look forward to God blessing us again with more KFHP's if he chooses even knowing the pain it will initially bring.  

My husband and I would LOVE to encourage you and your spouse via email or phone conversation anytime!  Please let us know if you need help and/or encouragement.  We are praying for you.

Jen

On Why Redemption is at the Heart of Adoption

"Anyone who has failed can appreciate the opportunity of a second chance. A second chance in the Bible is called redemption, which means you have been released or set free by payment. All your failures and shame can be redeemed if you give God the opportunity to give you a second chance. We feel as though our sin has enslaved us and ruined any potential of a fruitful future. Redemption sets you free of these feelings and actions, by His grace and forgiveness. Redemption then allows you to redeem others as you have been redeemed. You can be God's instrument of redemption in others, rescuing them from the awful penalty and power of sin. Enjoy His redemption today and share it with others, the gift of the second chance."  2 Cor. 5:17-21

-Brent Wagner (wise words from my long ago youth camp pastor)

Also, one of my favorite archived posts is being featured today over at WAGI (We are Grafted In).  I hope you'll head over and check out this wonderful adoption community.  

Desperate?

Somewhere in the middle of Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson is where I find myself as I read through the chapters of their latest book,



Though I never experienced the desperation of being a mama of many littles under age 5 all at once like Sarah Mae, I remember feeling desperate and needing to breathe many times over the past 5 years -

it was in this season of bringing home 9 hurt and traumatized children - first 3 and then 6 all within 2.5 years, that I found myself laying on my bed crying out to God on many days that I was simply DESPERATE for Him to save me.  to save them.  to do something, anything, because I was simply at the end of what I thought I could handle.

And I find that I can echo so many of Sally's words of wisdom in "Desperate."  Words that bring hope and healing to mamas everywhere who are in their own desperate season.

The truth is that God is with you and that He walks beside you and will be the strength in your weakness.  This dying to self, this desperate place is the place where new life begins.  Oh how much it hurts at the time and how hard and unending it seems, but the process of death does, in fact, bring life!

Get a copy (or 5) of this book!  Are you a young desperate mama?  Read it with a friend or two and encourage each other.  

Are you an older mama no longer desperate?  Remember how it felt when you were and DO SOMETHING today to relieve and come alongside a desperate mom.  Cook them a meal, go over and babysit so they can go on a date, offer financial help, or even just a coffee date and a listening ear.

And, remember, young moms with little ones aren't the only desperate ones.  Mamas who parent KFHP's (Kids From Hard Places) are sometimes the most desperate of all!