Halloween Re-visited

This is a re-post from last year with a promise to actually post part 2 tomorrow.   And, can I just say that you simply MUST read on if you have had your children home for less than 2 years!

The children and I have been asked many times over the past week what we were doing for Halloween and what they were going to "be" for Halloween.  How we have approached Halloween has changed a lot over the years for a number of reasons which I will expand on tomorrow.  

If you are reading this blog and you have recently adopted children (within the past 2 years), 

I will give you this little tip that may save you a little sanity:  whatever you usually do on Halloween, SKIP the sugar-laden, high sensory-overload Halloween-fest or Harvest Party at least for this year.

  It is O.K. 

Your children will not die if they don't get to go trick-or-treating.  Nor will they die if they don't go get their faces painted while inhaling huge amounts of sugar and popcorn just before winning a game of "Jesus Jack-O-Lanterns" and then bringing home a small goldfish which will most certainly die the next day. . . 

If you have NO idea why I am saying to SKIP it this year, you have probably just very recently arrived home and you really should believe me when I say that the last thing your new child needs is this high level of stress mixed in with the very real spiritual battle that is raging for his or her heart and is often intensified on this night.  

More tomorrow on our family's personal Halloween journey, but here's something to think about:

"Instead of hating evil, Americans toy with it. We toy with holidays like Halloween that were conceived in evil and that promote the “cute-ification” of evil, whether that evil takes the form of witchcraft, sorcery, ghoulishness, or some other form of malevolent imagery paraded before our children. We laugh at the very things that the Lord describes as “abominations,” and we find ourselves obsessively fascinated by, and attracted to, all things dark.

Yet we do not fear the Lord. . . "

                                                     - Doug Philipps (read the rest of the article here)

Q and A Adoption: Bringing Home an Older Child

Q:  Those of you who have brought home a child at the age of 12 and up, what would be some of your suggestions for how to foster connection? (A question from Parenting with Connection FB group)

A:  This is going to sound crazy especially to anyone who hasn't tried to create connection with children from hard places and/or older children from hard places, but honestly, my best advice is that you've got to bring them home and circle the wagons for a LONG time which IMHO looks like severely limiting peer relationships and other adult relationships until you are very well connected. 

With our oldest, this meant her being home with us 24/7. No public school, no friends outside of our family (acquaintances at church, yes), no other significant adults, no ipods, phones, computers, social media for a LONG LONG time. 

The hard thing with older kiddos is that you are trying to tie "heart strings" with them at an age where most healthy children are beginning to cut a few heart strings (rightly so - when they have many heart strings attached, it is OK to start to cut a few here and there as they begin their transition to adulthood). BUT, your new child won't have ANY heart strings to cut and they will be looking for anyone anywhere to give them what they think they want rather than to attach to you because they are SCARED that you (who are saying you will always be there and will love them, etc) are going to be just like the other adults in their lives who have let them down and they don't want to risk it again, so they are going to do all they can to ignore you, push you away and find it elsewhere. 

You've got to create a space where you are really the only option. So, circle those wagons. Stay home together (don't worry about academics that first year home!), play with them, do pre-schoolish type things with them and let them just BE a child in your family - don't worry, they'll mature out of it once they have had that need met. 

Also, spend time at night talking with them and cuddling with them as much as you can or at least rubbing their back or sitting near them (even if they resist). Say "Yes" as much as possible. Offer treats like m &m's while you look at them with kind eyes (sugar is a great "yes, you are ok." ). 

Limit media (I'd say to ZERO unless it is a special family event). Limit outside activities especially those that are peer oriented like school, youth group, sleepovers, etc (again, I'd say to ZERO pretty much for the first year or two). BUT in place of all that, put yourself - relationship, caring, loving interactions. Firm boundaries but lots of relational connection. 

AND, don't be easily offended. Oh MY, can pre-teens easily offend their parents and this is magnified in hurt children. Just let it go and don't be offended. It isn't personal. And even if it is, it won't help anything to respond to the offense in a way that communicates frustration. 

So, that's the HARD path that is a LOT harder than just going the way of the culture and hoping for the best. BUT, we've seen it help our older adopted children really become attached and healed and NOW, they are able to cut some heart strings and move out from us and start to transition to adulthood because we've got lots of strings attached and their hearts are settled and they are healthy.

Don't lose heart.  This is hard and takes time.  Your child will not instantly trust you and know that everything will be fine.  YOU understand that you are a "good" parent, but your new child does not.  Even when they can mentally assent to that (maybe a year from now), they still will have an emotional brain response that tells them otherwise.  It will take a lot of time to grow this relationship!

AND, by the way, NO ONE will understand why you are doing this.  All of your friends with healthy young teens will think you are crazy.  So will the grandparents.  People at church will probably be offended that your child isn't in the youth group.  You've just got to not care what they think, try to educate them by gracious explanation, and then do the hard work anyways.  Don't worry.  You'll be so busy trying to connect with your teen, you won't have time to worry about what anyone thinks anyways!  

What about you?  Any thoughts on older child connection?  I'd love to hear your ideas!  

The Grace of Refinement

“God will take you where you would not have chosen to go

in order to produce in you what you could not achieve on your own. 

The Bible calls this grace.“

–Paul David Tripp

Yes, Yes, Yes!  Grace.  I've been given so much!  So much of what I would NEVER have chosen and yet it has been God's refining fire in my life and has led to so much more than I could have EVER asked or imagined.  

Pondering these other thoughts from (one of my favorite pastors) Paul David Tripp:

Sometimes we are crying out, “Where is the grace of God?” …but we are already getting it!

We need the grace of refinement, rather than the grace of relief. 

Uncomfortable grace. 

Often this side of eternity the grace of God comes to us in uncomfortable forms – exactly the grace that we need. 

Don’t name the difficulties as a sign of his inattention and unfaithfulness,

they are actually a sign of a seal of his redemptive love.  

His redemptive love.  Yes!   When I name it rightly, I am able to give thanks for the grace rather than to complain about the pain.  

Want to give thanks with me today?

What's your Standard?

‎"The standard of the world, and the standard of the Lord Jesus, 

are indeed widely different.

They are more than different. 

They are flatly contradictory one to the other."

~ J.C. Ryle

Stepping Heavenward

"The longer I live the more conscious I am of human frailty, 

and of the constant, overwhelming need we all have of God’s grace." 

- Elizabeth Prentiss

Adoption Lessons: Not Giving Up

Sorry it has been so quiet here.  It has been a season of testing and trial for us, to be sure.  I know there are many other adoptive parents who are either for the first time or the hundredth time feeling like they just can't go on.  Please don't believe it.  Don't believe the lies of the enemy.  We are crushed, perplexed, knocked down, and it is HARD, but this momentary suffering is light in comparison of the eternal glory of knowing Christ.   Join with us in leaning on and living by the words of 2 Corinthians 4 in this very difficult season:

1 Therefore, since God in his mercy has given us this new way, [fn1] we never give up.2 We reject all shameful deeds and underhanded methods. We don’t try to trick anyone or distort the word of God. We tell the truth before God, and all who are honest know this.

3 If the Good News we preach is hidden behind a veil, it is hidden only from people who are perishing. 4 Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts

so we could know the glory of God 

that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.

7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. [fn2] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.

8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. 

We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 

9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. 

We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 

10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus 

so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

11 Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. 12 So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.

13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.” [fn3] 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, [fn4] will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. 

And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, 

and God will receive more and more glory.

16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are [fn5]being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

Years ago when this "grace and glory" blog started, I had no idea just how much those two words would come to mean in our lives.  It truly is all about Him!

Passion for Orphans Retreat

The retreat in CO this spring was so good.  The upcoming retreat this fall in TN should be even better!  One of my (in real life) best friends, Terina Dutton, will be one of the main speakers.  Don't miss it!