If you haven't yet heard, a 7 year old adopted Liberian girl died recently from alleged child-abuse at the hands of her parents who were allegedly following the child-training principles of Michael and Debi Pearl, authors of "To Train up a Child." This tragedy, of course, is very near and dear to my heart since we also have an adopted Liberian daughter of about the same age, and we are a large, Christian, homeschooling family AND (gulp, dare I mention) I have read some of The Pearl's books and online articles and have even followed some of the practical suggestions within them.
I had been saddened and confused in the past few months by both the death of Lydia and by the seemingly harsh and slanderous backlash against the Pearls which has been intense. I felt discouraged because we have gleaned wisdom from the Pearls website and resources over the years (although we don't "follow" the teaching of any man, but of the Lord) and I felt like so many people were now saying that the "Pearls advocate beating children to death."
THAT was never what I read when I read any of these materials, yet it seemed as if so many had such the opposite experience.
It raised so many questions:
Had we totally been blind and missing it as parents all of these years because we sought to teach our children to obey?
Had we been completely led astray by false teachings?
What about all of the "Pearl or Ezzo reading" wonderful, loving Christian families that we personally know who have sweet, joyful Christ-loving children?
How can one family read these things and parent "this" way, but another family reads it and thinks something totally different?
Because of this confusion, I have completely avoided talking about it on my blog until now.
Ann, over at Holy Experience, recently posted a link to THIS article from Tina ,reviewing the Pearl's book "To Train Up a Child," which really helped me to answer some of these questions.
I think this article is definitely worth reading no matter what your experience with TTUAC has been. In it, she outlines some of the problems that can come from TTUAC, especially in the hands of a young, inexperienced, and desperate mother or father sincerely seeking to glorify God in their parenting.
I found Tina's thoughts to be very enlightening and encouraging. So much so, that it prompted me to finally "say" something about it all in this more public forum.
In addition to what Tina concludes, I would like to offer the following thoughts:
- I have probably read a hundred parenting books and have gleaned wisdom and insight, practical ideas, and encouragement from almost all of them and have also realized that NONE of them is full of absolute truth. After all, they are written by fallible humans. The only authority for glorifying and obeying God is the Bible, which is the Word of God.
- For me, personally, it has always been easy to "chew up the meat and spit out the bones" whether I am reading the parenting advice of the Pearls, the Ezzos, Dr. Sears, Dr. Dobson, Sally Clarkson, Tedd Tripp, Scott Turansky, or any others. However, I have realized, in recent days that MANY young mothers are not as able to glean what is good and leave what is bad and often feel bad if they don't follow a particular method to a "T." This, for some reason, seems to be especially true with regards to the teachings of The Pearls and The Ezzos. This has been a bit of an eye-opener for me!
- I guess I am now what some would term a "seasoned parent" and I am often asked about books, methods, tips, tricks, principles, and practicalities of parenting. In the past my assumption would have been that any book that had helped us might also be helpful to other families. I think that I have wrongly assumed that others are able to "spit out the bones" as easily as I do while still thoughtfully applying what is biblical, helpful, and good. And, so, I arrive at the same conclusion that Tina does:
While I do not think Michael Pearl intends for his teachings to lead to abuse, I can clearly see how readingTTUAC could influence parents to sin or at least exasperate their children. I am not calling for a Pearl book burning. I do still believe that Christians should “chew the meat and spit out the bones” with any resource. Doing so, however, requires wisdom. So many parents who seek parenting advice are young, inexperienced and lack discernment. (I know I was!) Seasoned parents should direct young parents to resources that emphasize the need to pray for wisdom continually and are written in a gracious manner.So, my question for you, dear readers, is:
What are those parenting resources that emphasize the need to pray for wisdom continually and are written in a gracious manner?
I *think* I know what ones I would recommend, but I would LOVE to hear your thoughts first!
13 comments:
Oh my! This exact same post has been on my heart for the past 6 weeks. Seriously ... I could have written EXACTLY what you wrote.
I read the Pearls books MANY years ago (as in, back when my 6 young adults were little). I gleaned from it. I thought it was a "good book". I "spit out the bones" without even seeing the bones. I, too, would have recommended this book to others, and I probably did at one time or other.
After I read about the precious girl that died, I found my Pearl books and re-read them. How could I have missed so much ... so much that is harmful ... so much that is lacking God's grace? I read them now and wonder how I ever gleaned anything from them.
The Ezzo's too ... we gleaned from them ... we recommended them. Now, I have grandparents coming to me with GREAT concern because their grandchildren are being "trained" by this philosophy.
I thank the Lord for allowing me to glean from these books, but I also grieve for the many parents and children that are being harmed by these child training methods. The parents that haven't learned to discern. The parents that haven't learned to seek God's wisdom from His Word. The parents that have forgotten about the GRACE that the Lord has given, and that we should give to our children. And, I grieve ... for the children.
Along with the Pearl's ministry and the Ezzo's ministry, a third ministry that GREATLY concerns me is the ministry of Bill Gothard. I have seen MANY children raised up in his homeschooling ministry (where the families all look PERFECT), but the children all rebel as soon as they can get out of the house. So. So. Sad.
I will ponder what books I can now recommend; but I wonder if I now must re-read them all with new eyes, to make sure that I can FULLY recommend them.
I will write my post ... and link to yours.
Thank you for bringing this most sad situation to the LIGHT.
Laurel :)
Wow, great post and almost identical to my thoughts..
Here is what I wrote when I was involved in a discussion about this tragedy shortly after it happened..
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What a horrible tragedy. My heart breaks for these children.
I have not read the Pearls in years but reading the quotes interspersed with what happened is chilling. I agree with Spunky Homeschool. For years I thought you just had to eat the meat and spit out the bones with the Pearls and other homeschool ministries that propagate THE way to raise a child but lately I am seeing these ministry with their ideals as more of the enemy within the Homeschool community. Some in the Homeschool community breed fear of public school, medical professionals, CPS, youth groups, college, etc..when I think it is really the Pharisseeeism that is the most dangerous thing. Raise your child in mannner of x, y, z.. Live like this and it will lead to holiness and godliness. No, it leads to hardened hearts and white washed tombs.
Ultimately, the culpability for the death and abuse rests on the parents.
As a Mom I wonder how their consciences weren't seared to the core with what they were doing..
As a homeschooler I wonder how they lost sight of what learning really is..
As an adoptive Mom I just want to scream. Did they not know how hard it is for children with wounded hearts to learn and to love?
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I have always been a meat chewer /bone spitter too but after seeing good friends of ours follow a ministry hook, line, and sinker to the detriment of their children I have become extremely wary of anyone who is claiming they have the answers.
My greatest resource outside or prayer/His Word has become parents who have older/adult children who are walking in the love of the Lord.
I really enjoy your thoughts and your Blog. Your family is awfully cute too.
Great points, Jen. I personally LOVE Ted Tripp's "Shepherding a Child's Heart," because it doesn't really point to any particular method but instead admonishes parents to seek the Lord through prayer and the Word. Gregg and I are right now in the middle of Family Driven Faith, and we are LOVING that one, too.
I think that the Pearls and Ezzos are super-opinionated and take such a strong stance with their particular methods that their books come across as if their opinions are synonymous to God's, and any deviation from their method is a deviation from God's Word. It seemed to me like there was some built-in contempt in the books for anyone who wouldn't do exactly as they instruct. For me, this wasn't a problem, I just took the "pearls" and left the poop behind. But I can see how others might be pulled into the this-is-the-only-right-method-and-all-others-are-heresy theme of the books. While there are definitley some gems to be gleaned from books like the Pearl's and Ezzos, parents definitely need to pray and think for themselves. Thanks for posting on this Jen, you brave, brave, woman!
I read their books about three years ago... and I didn't find anything that lined up with the *heart of Jesus*... so they went in the garbage :). The books have a very religious spirit on them. All their stuff does.
That religious spirit, combined with many of the spirits/demons that our Liberian kids come home with ... well... I can see how this would happen. Sadly. :(
The only parenting book we recommend currently is Loving Your Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk.
Oh my! I need to read the original article about the death, but I will comment now. As Mennonites we are raised with a very strong "spare the rod, spoil the child" attitude, and anyone advocating raising a child w/o spanking is almost walking w/ one foot in the devil's camp. BUT I have seen so many children go wrong even when they were raised w/ the rod, that I can't see it helped.
On the other hand I was raised w/ spanking (I actually can't ever remember getting one) but I know we were spanked.
This whole subject is so filled w/ dynamite....a person that cannot govern themselves will never be safe w/ a paddle. And which of us as parents can ever say we are always in control of our anger? I know I can't.
My thoughts are a bit discombobulated. Sorry.
The one book I think I can recommend is "Parenting is Heart Work" I need to digest it, but I think so far it is Biblically sound, but does not advocate/or discourage spanking.
Anyone else have a thought on it...
(I probably should have done a post on this, instead of filling up your comments)
Now I gotta go read the article
Thanks ladies, for the responses and for keeping it civil! ;)
I just want to make clear that it was not my intention to engage in any Pearl bashing, as I truly believe it IS their heart and intention for parents and children to have a truly loving and joyful relationship with each other. I guess I am just realizing that, although some of what they have said has helped my family to have a joyful and loving relationship, for many young families, this is not the case.
Mama D - can't wait to read your post! Thanks for the encouragement!
Renee - thanks for the encouragement! I know how hard it is for adoptive kids to learn to love too! One of the best things that helped our kids to truly heal from all of their RAD issues (IMHO) was a LOT of boundaries and structure and discipline which helped them to truly release their perceived control (which actually frightened them) and finally find rest in the love of the Lord and in us, as their parents. But, it was always within the greater focus of grace that this occurred - never with a focus on "this is THE way" legalism, but with prayer, prayer, prayer!
Stacey- I love those books too - they will definitely be on my list. The SACH video series is really great - not high quality, but really helpful at focusing on the heart issues!
Kim - interesting. . . it is so strange to me how one person can read the books and feel so strongly it is full of a religious spirit, but when I read some of their writings, I hear parents who really do LOVE their children and value relationship. . . I guess that is the point of this post though - that, for some reason, TTUAC is read by many as very legalistic and that is what makes it dangerous? hmm. . .
We, too, had many spirit/demon stuff when our kiddos first came home which is why PRAYER was SO KEY to their healing!
I haven't read LYKOP by Silk. I think he actually lives close to us. . . If you say it is your only recommendation, I will definitely pick it up! Have you read The Connected Child by Karyn Purviss? It is really great!
anyone else? any other great resources that emphasize prayer and are written in a gracious manner?
Chris,
I haven't heard of that book - I'll check it out too! Thanks.
Hi Jen,
I agree 100% with the structure and boundaries wrapped in grace as the best approach to parenting children with attachment issues. Our boys would have each in their own way been an absolute mess if we didn't have boundaries. God has been so faithful to give us wisdom.. I have and do spend many days on my knees begging Him how to handle a situation some days it was/is with a consequence and some days it was to pull the child into my lap and wrap my arms around him and speak words of love and affirmation.
It is such a blessing to have been blessed with our 5 boys through adoption. There have been (and I'm sure will be) hard moments but the blessings are awesome.
Thank you for tackling this tough but oph so important topic.
We, too, have learned that we must raise our large family with structure and boundaries. However, within those boundaries is much grace and love (something that I have personally witnessed is missing in many of the families that "follow" the Ezzos, Pearls, and Gothard ministries.) The underlying problem is that each of these families have chosen to FOLLOW a man and his teaching, rather than to FOLLOW Jesus Christ, with a little bit of man's teachings sprinkled in here and there.
Years ago, I was asked by another mother of a large family, "Which parenting philosophy do you follow?" and she listed off the "IN" parenting books of the day. I just looked at her quizzically and said, "We follow the Big D Family parenting philosophy. We just glean from all of the books and "teachers". The problem was that she wanted a "rule book" ... she wanted someone to spell out for her the A,B,C's of parenting ... she wanted to be told "how to do it". The problem ... none of the books know her family or her individual children. None of the books can tell when to be firm, and when to have grace.
Great discussion! Thanks for stepping out boldly into this territory.
Laurel :)
I wrote a post about this last night ... posted a 2nd one tonight ... and have a 3rd post ready to post on Monday evening. Lots to share.
Even though there is some "good fruit" that we can glean, mixed in with the thorns ... I believe that there are just too many thorns and we really need to help parents to see the dangers that lie within the Pearls parenting principles.
Hope your Easter is BLESSED!!!
Laurel :)
Hello,
I have been collecting arguments against the Pearls' teachings on my website since 2004. I have noticed lately that I am lacking arguments such as yours which gently share concerns without going so far that people who love the Pearls would find them slanderous. Would you please consider allowing me to link to your post?
Thank you for such an excellent review, Mama D. I have also written a review that highlights my journey as a young mother reading TTUAC.
Oh, now I am embarrassed. I read Mama D's review and thought I was commenting on her blog! Jen, bless you for your kind words about my post. Much prayer went into writing it. Your additional thoughts are excellent. Mama D, I too have other posts just "swimming" in my brain on this one. I am overwhelmed at the gracious responses I've received. I felt very "vulnerable" posting my experiences but it is obvious that I'm not alone in my struggles. My prayer is that young moms will reach for The Word. My post is a call for responsibility. WE must be careful with resources. Blessings to you all!
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