Thank you Auntie Leila

If you've never heard of Auntie Leila, you are seriously missing out on some wonderfully practical and biblical parenting wisdom!  

Today, her advice couldn't be more helpful since it is actually a response to a personal question my friend Shawna and I sent her about the new dynamic of parenting all of our "early teen" aged children - especially in regards to them spending time together with friends.  

Most days I feel like I have a small jr. high youth group in the van with me and I'm finding (as Auntie Leila suggests) that it is extremely helpful to have productive activities to involve them in rather than letting them play the day away.  

In fact, whereas my "littles" and "middles" (those aged 4ish - 10ish) seem to be able to productively fill their day with appropriate creative active play, the "bigs" (11-14) can seem only to be able to find mischief and trouble when left to their own free time and tend to start to pick at the younger ones.  

SO, I really really appreciate Auntie Leila's advice today!  Hope you will click over and read!  Especially if your "littles" and "middles" are becoming "bigs."

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Thanks to a friend I saw on the 4th of July who encouraged me to start blogging again - I think I'm back. ;)

Adoption Lessons: What's Love Got to Do with it?

My new blog friend Jamie has just recently published a new blog series 10 Days of Adoption.  Be sure to check out all of her great posts and her story (while you're at it!).  

I was honored that she asked me for a few of my thoughts on parenting children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and on bonding and loving children with RAD.*  

Parenting children with attachment issues is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but it HAS taught me about love.  

Here's my small contribution to Jamie's post on bonding:

Children from hard places who have experienced trauma 

(and I would argue that losing your birth family is always traumatic) 

are going to have “attachment issues.”  

Their trust has been broken 

by the very people who were 

supposed to be the most trustworthy.  

Your words mean nothing to them.  They have no reason to trust what you say and they have every reason to doubt.  They have been hurt, they have had to learn to protect themselves, they lack the ability to empathize, and they are scared to death, they are master manipulators and they want to be in control. 

WARNING:  Their behavior is going to reflect this.  

And it is going to make you feel crazy.  

And parenting them is hard – CRAZY HARD.

Even if you “fell in love” with their referral pictures, chances are that once you enter this crazy hard world of loving a child with attachment issues, you are not going to FEEL like you love them. No, it does not FEEL the same as parenting a healthy attached child. Not the PC thing to say, but true. It’s hard to feel love for a child who tries to sabotage you at every turn.

But, you see, you DO love them: 

You love them by doing the loving thing over and over and over. 

You love them by parenting them in the way they need to be parented – with high nurture and high structure (despite how you parented your other kids or how your church friends parent). 

You love them by holding them when they are raging and telling them that you aren’t going anywhere. 

You love them by praying for them and fighting the spiritual battle on their behalf. 

You love them by not being easily offended. 

You love them by not being easily manipulated. 

You love them by not giving up, by not confirming their suspicions that you are just like all of the others who abandoned them and broke their trust. 

You love them by laying down your life, picking up your cross, and dying to yourself 

over 

and over 

and over.

Yes, you love them. . . and by the grace of God, someday, yes someday, you will wake up and realize that they believe you and they trust you and both of you FEEL, truly feel that phileo (friendship) love that you have both been longing for.

Dear "trauma mama" if you are in the trenches today, lovingly parenting through the crazy-hard, please do not lose heart!  Do not give up or be easily discouraged.  Fight the battle by dying.  Just for today, lay down your life and choose love.  

If you have time today, please skip on over to Sara's as she poetically describes just what I am talking about!  

*If you don't know much about RAD, please check out this great description by Lisa.  All of my 9 adopted children showed almost all of the symptoms that are listed when they first came home to us.  

To Eat or Not to Eat

Always wanting to eliminate the unhealthy and incorporate more of the healthy from our lives.

Here's where you can find some great inspiration and information today on

WHAT NOT TO EAT

and

WHAT TO EAT


Feeding my family well is certainly important but can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming since I'm cooking for TWELVE pretty big people 3 times a day!

How do you feed your family well?

Perspective and the Little Red Hen

While I'm not a huge country music fan, I don't suppose any mama could hear this song and not get a lump in her throat.

Ironic that those things that drive us so crazy in the "dailiness" are the very things that should remind us of how very blessed we are to have these small ones with us here, now.

But, what are we doing with them here? now?  

Are we feeding them scraps off the floor?

Really and truly, you must read THIS over at one of my new favorite places!
(because it is all of my favorite mama bloggers in one place)

Am I feeding my children scraps?  ouch.

Thanks, Ann for encouraging me today to be the Little Red Hen Mama that my children need and for reminding me that

"Life’s too exquisite to serve souls discarded left overs."

In case you've been wondering

*PLEASE, dear friends, take time to read the link I've included later in this post.

I haven't actually fallen off the face of the planet.  I do, at some point in the future, plan to blog on a more regular basis.  I think I need that new software called "Dragon" where I can SPEAK my thoughts and it will type out what I say!  If you are my friend in real life, you know that I could more than fill a blog with that!

What I really wanted to share with you today is the best description of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) that I think I've ever read.  I often have people ask me how I would describe "attachment issues" and I think that Lisa captures it SO clearly *HERE.  From a mother's perspective, this is exactly what it is.  Even if you don't parent children with attachment issues, it would be so great to read this so you can understand and support your friends who are parenting children from hard places!

Also, please pray for Jeff and I as we may be speaking at an upcoming foster parent event - about adopting older children and about helping children with RAD heal.  Even though we've lived it and LOVE to share with others, this feels a bit daunting to me.  Of course, my dear preacher husband will be just fine, but I do better in the one on one conversations!

Paul Tripp interview

love this interview with Dr. Paul Tripp.  His books are always excellent and I highly recommend them!  There is a great little bit about parenting with the gospel as our focus if you skip ahead to about minute 20.  Enjoy!

Things I'm thinking about today

I KNOW this is true.  How good it is to hear another Christian wife and mother articulate these things.  What encouragement to continue on in ways that are, for the most part, extremely counter-cultural today. Join me in reading here today.  I'd love if you'd click back over here and comment on your thoughts, experiences, or questions in these two areas!  Let's talk!

Homeschooling too much produces too little.

Preparing our children for what?