Q: Those of you who have brought home a child at the age of 12 and up, what would be some of your suggestions for how to foster connection? (A question from Parenting with Connection FB group)
A: This is going to sound crazy especially to anyone who hasn't tried to create connection with children from hard places and/or older children from hard places, but honestly, my best advice is that you've got to bring them home and circle the wagons for a LONG time which IMHO looks like severely limiting peer relationships and other adult relationships until you are very well connected.
With our oldest, this meant her being home with us 24/7. No public school, no friends outside of our family (acquaintances at church, yes), no other significant adults, no ipods, phones, computers, social media for a LONG LONG time.
The hard thing with older kiddos is that you are trying to tie "heart strings" with them at an age where most healthy children are beginning to cut a few heart strings (rightly so - when they have many heart strings attached, it is OK to start to cut a few here and there as they begin their transition to adulthood). BUT, your new child won't have ANY heart strings to cut and they will be looking for anyone anywhere to give them what they think they want rather than to attach to you because they are SCARED that you (who are saying you will always be there and will love them, etc) are going to be just like the other adults in their lives who have let them down and they don't want to risk it again, so they are going to do all they can to ignore you, push you away and find it elsewhere.
You've got to create a space where you are really the only option. So, circle those wagons. Stay home together (don't worry about academics that first year home!), play with them, do pre-schoolish type things with them and let them just BE a child in your family - don't worry, they'll mature out of it once they have had that need met.
Also, spend time at night talking with them and cuddling with them as much as you can or at least rubbing their back or sitting near them (even if they resist). Say "Yes" as much as possible. Offer treats like m &m's while you look at them with kind eyes (sugar is a great "yes, you are ok." ).
Limit media (I'd say to ZERO unless it is a special family event). Limit outside activities especially those that are peer oriented like school, youth group, sleepovers, etc (again, I'd say to ZERO pretty much for the first year or two). BUT in place of all that, put yourself - relationship, caring, loving interactions. Firm boundaries but lots of relational connection.
AND, don't be easily offended. Oh MY, can pre-teens easily offend their parents and this is magnified in hurt children. Just let it go and don't be offended. It isn't personal. And even if it is, it won't help anything to respond to the offense in a way that communicates frustration.
So, that's the HARD path that is a LOT harder than just going the way of the culture and hoping for the best. BUT, we've seen it help our older adopted children really become attached and healed and NOW, they are able to cut some heart strings and move out from us and start to transition to adulthood because we've got lots of strings attached and their hearts are settled and they are healthy.
Don't lose heart. This is hard and takes time. Your child will not instantly trust you and know that everything will be fine. YOU understand that you are a "good" parent, but your new child does not. Even when they can mentally assent to that (maybe a year from now), they still will have an emotional brain response that tells them otherwise. It will take a lot of time to grow this relationship!
AND, by the way, NO ONE will understand why you are doing this. All of your friends with healthy young teens will think you are crazy. So will the grandparents. People at church will probably be offended that your child isn't in the youth group. You've just got to not care what they think, try to educate them by gracious explanation, and then do the hard work anyways. Don't worry. You'll be so busy trying to connect with your teen, you won't have time to worry about what anyone thinks anyways!
What about you? Any thoughts on older child connection? I'd love to hear your ideas!
2 comments:
Adopted a sibling group of three from Ethiopia in 2000, ages 12, 8, and 4. Largely agree with the principles espoused here. Establishing that critical trust relationship, and having parent as center of child's emotional world is job one. And there is precious little time to do that when they come as older kids. I would consider that the means of accomplishing this might vary a bit from the author's due to varying circumstances. But the principle is exactly right, and the need is huge. It MUST be done.
We do not know the ages of our kids yet, however we know that we will be getting older children. Thank you so much for this! I appreciate it!
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