When you don't feel love

Lisa, over at A Bushel and a Peck has a great "Tuesday Topic." She posted a question from a newly adoptive mama about what do do when you (the mama) don't feel attached. This is a really great question and one that sometimes gets overlooked or not talked about for fear of what others might think.

Lisa will be posting all of the comments next Tuesday and I can't wait to read them!

After leaving a comment at her blog, I thought I might repost my thoughts here - since I might need to read them and remind myself of this on my next bad day! LOL!

So, for what they're worth, here are my thoughts on what to do when you, as the adoptive parent, aren't feeling attached:

Hi there! First off, I just want to say that what you are feeling is NOT uncommon. It always makes me frustrated to read blogs or other writings that say "oh, it is exactly the same as having a biological child. . . I love them so much and I don't feel any different." In my honest opinion, this is almost never the case and if the person writing it isn't just flat lying, then they are probably still in the honeymoon phase!

Please don't feel like you are alone in the struggle to feel attached to your adopted child.

Secondly, if you are not "feeling love," it is O.K.! The reason it is O.K. is that true love is not a feeling. . . it is an ACTION. If you are not "feeling" loving toward your child yet, just keep on ACTIVELY loving them - for an infant, that means rocking, singing, feeding, changing, holding, feeding, changing, bathing, rocking, feeding, changing, talking, feeding, changing. . . well, you get the picture! LOL! The feelings will follow the actions - eventually! With our first adoption (a sibling group of 3 from Liberia ages 4, 5, and 7), I didn't have the CONSISTENT loving feelings for over a year! I often FELT more protective toward my biological child, especially when our adopted children were the antagonists. However, we kept on actively loving them, and praying - praying a LOT- and hoping that their little hearts would heal. And then, one day, I was talking to my friend about an injustice that one of my adopted children had suffered at the hands of a neighbor (and boy, was I mad!) and my dear friend pointed out to me that I was having that true "mama-bear" protective love toward my child. And, I was! Even though we look as different as night and day, I often do (NOW) almost forget that these children were not from my womb. BUT, it wasn't always the case. It took a long time to get here! We have found a similar thing to be true with our second adoption (a sibling group of 6 out of foster care). Active Agape (unconditional) Love leads to that Phileo (friendship-type feeling) love that we all desire to have with our children. It has been easier this time around, and I think that maybe it is because my heart has already been through this process once before and I can more easily see and hope for the light at the end of the tunnel. I also wanted to say that I also mourned the lack of the breastfeeding relationship with all of my adopted children (especially with the youngest - age 2). One thing we tried was skin to skin rocking time and bottle feeding with sweet milk. We only did it for about 3-4 months, but it REALLY was an awesome time of bonding for both of us. As far as whining goes, try not to give in to it, but do remember to give him a way to ask for what he wants w/o whining - I would suggest some simple "baby sign language" for "more," "please," "drink," and maybe "up." It has only been 3 months, please do not despair! Adoption is hard, it is a sacrifice, but it is SO worth it!