A Hard Blessing

Many times when friends ask how this past year has been (since bringing home our 3 Liberian children), I say that this year has been a blessing, but a "hard blessing."  Anyone who has adopted older children will most likely know just what I am talking about (and also anyone who has had the "pleasure" of witnessing one of my children's tantrums over this past year - LOL!).  

Here is a great post from Courtney at Storing Up Treasures in Heaven entitled The Things they Never Told Me.  I love the way that she describes a behavior she calls "circling."  It is the place we were this week.  Just when I was thinking that "wow, look how far we've come and how great Big Jo is doing" - that is about the time that a past behavior or attitude surfaces again for some reason unbenownst to me and seemingly out of nowhere.  Now, I am happy to say that I was not caught off guard by this (THIS time!) since I am more aware of this pattern and have come to expect it, but I was NOT aware of it for the first 8 or 9 months the children were home and there were days where it was VERY HARD!  

The other part of the "hard blessing" is something that Courtney mentions in her blog (see link above) as well.  It is the way that adoption has brought MY SIN into the light in such a huge way.  You see, I used to think I was SUCH a patient person, a mother who would never raise her voice, always able to keep my composure and communicate well. . . Amazing what adding 3 children and all of their baggage and issues will bring out in you.  Wow!  I have come to the realization that I am COMPLETELY dependent as a mother upon the Grace of God in my life - Grace that I then need to pass on to my children (and there are days where they need A LOT!).  We tend to think of dependency as a bad thing in our culture - we are all about independence - but dependence on God is exactly where I need to be for Him to be glorified in my life.  AND. . . the harder that my parenting journey has become, the more dependent I become so, maybe what I really need is more of these "hard blessings," these refining fires, so that the Lord might burn away all that is not pure in me (and believe me, there's a lot).  

It is only by His Grace that I am enabled to live for His Glory and I hope and pray that my children might receive that Grace as well that they might live for His Glory too.  So, my prayers are not that the Lord might give me a nice life or a comfortable life, not an easy life or a normal life, but a blessed life full of his refining fire.  I would not give up this year of hard blessings for all of the riches of the world.